Sunday, December 28, 2008

Leaving town

I'm leaving town in a week and it's rather overwhelming!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I need a glass of wine.


I need a glass of wine. Preferably cabernet sauvignon, pinot noir or malbec. None of that white grape juice stuff for me.

Ps - How funny is it that Governor Blagojevich won't resign?
pps - It's awesome that I know how to spell his last name, right?

I love this picture from the episode of Absolutely Fabulous where Edina and Patsy go to France.

More medication, please.


Hey y'all, I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but it isn't because I didn't want to!
I have been super busy - applying to jobs in Washington, DC, taking an LSAT class, working my other jobs, going to holiday and birthday parties, etc. Present shopping took about a week but I finished that by December 7th.

I'm making more money and have new health insurance but for some reason I have less money than before. It sucks. I'm feeling the trickle-down recession because fewer people hire me to babysit.
Other than that, I'm doing pretty well. As my aunt says, "better living through chemistry." Maybe she actually said "why suffer if you can feel better?" but the sentiment is the same.

I see no point in getting with someone new since I'm leaving (probably) and don't have time for a relationship (definitely) and don't want to get anyone's expectations up (regrettable consequence). Unfortunately most of my ex-boyfriends are in California or we are not on speaking terms. I do forgive and forget pretty quickly. Mostly forget.

Then I remembered my credo: "If you build it, they will come." It worked all the time in college. If I wanted to have a sleepover some weekend, I would shave my legs, show some skin, apply make-up, perfume, clean up the dorm  room, open some wine, put candles out, play music ...92% success rate. So to that end, I have made a new playlist and keep my nails looking nice. Tidying this garden is going to take a while.

I will report back. Maybe this weekend. In the meantime, more medication, please.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

This is Water

Many times during the past few days, as I scramble through life's peaks and valleys, I've thought, "I need to read David Foster Wallace's speech, I need to read David Foster Wallace's speech, don't forget to look that up next time you are at the computer," and today I actually remembered. It's his 2005 Commencement Address at Kenyon College.

DFW talks about the true value of a liberal arts education: that it teaches us how to think, but not in the cliched way we have heard. It means we can choose whether our thoughts wander through the "default setting" or whether we construct meaning.

From what I've gleaned, the default setting is the state of mind where you see yourself as the center of the universe with little care and awareness for how others see the world. You become blind from "interpret[ing] everything through this lens of self." The default mode is letting our thoughts run like water, day after day, into the same channels making the grooves deeper and deeper until we are hopelessly locked in to routine.

It is about worshipping the false gods with which "the man" distracts us. It is believing that our "immediate needs and feelings are what should determine the world's priorities." And when you are not in default mode, when you are free, then you can choose how you see the world, you can be aware of the present, decide what is meaningful, be "well-adjusted" as he says, and choosing to keep your ethics in the front of your mind. Constant awareness of what is real and essential. In that way you can avoid a midlife crisis!

DFW says that freedom is about "being able to truly care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day." (God, he is good with words.)

David Foster Wallace, I am guilty as charged (although you are not speaking to me, since I am not the center of the universe).

I wander through the world vexed by petty frustrations, crabby, certain that life is challenging only for me, that my needs trump everyone else's, that everyone should do what I want them to do - not because I know what is best for them - but because I want it. I bear grudges toward those who have hurt me, sigh loudly when people ask me to do things that I don't want to do, refuse to take "no" for an answer.

I have one spot that I am proud of: I really try to make life easier for my mother. A few months ago, I dreamt that she died and I regretted every time I had laughed at her or not done the dishes. And I will, if I let myself behave like that. So, I grit my teeth when she drives slowly. I unload the dishwasher when I get home and clean out the coffee grounds from the filter. I close the cabinets in the kitchen because open cupboards drive her nuts. I spend time with her and paint her nails. The only things I don't do are cook, drive safely, and approve of her conservation of the wine supply.

But really, I focus on myself. I want to see my 2006 ex-boyfriend because I want attention and love, not because I want him to feel attention and love. Wanting to hear from another ex that he misses me enough to want to be a proper boyfriend, but not because I really miss him, but rather to feed my vanity (and give me attention and a cuddle). Utterly selfish. (Not that being self-sacrificing with some of the men I have dated makes them give me love and attention)

I rely on heuristics to judge people and places instead of letting experience guide me. Sometimes I use "retarded" to mean "stupid" and I know that is hurtful. Though I do not use "gay" to mean "stupid." I talk about doing more to help the needy this winter, but I haven't picked up a gift basket assignment from church. I can do better, and until I read this, I thought I was doing the best I could. I was running on default.

Today I was sitting at my desk feeling sorry for myself about how much I have to work to earn the little money I have, and I realized that I am ridiculous. Not just because I have so much to be thankful for (home, clothing, family, friends, urban life, a job), but because everyone has worries. My problems are normal and surmountable.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

High Heel Boots

Hello Friends,
While my ankle is healing well, I haven't put on a pair of stilettos in weeks. (A sprained ankle is a proper, wonderful excuse not to exercise.) The cold weather forced me to pull out my black ankle boots with thick heels that are about 2-3 inches. So far no problems and I've enjoyed the extra height. It's kind of fun to look down at people (most rude to say, I know). Walking in the boots worked my calves, so that was cool. No reaction from other people of course.
I haven't gone outside yet today. Not that I am deterred by the weather! True Chicagoans never are...(we wish). My Mom is sick with a cold today so I stayed home to take care of her. It's hard to be her nurse because taking care of others is so deeply engrained in her that I had to force her to rest in bed.
Valerie by Amy Winehouse is a great song. Just throwing that out there.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Dr. Alex Karev can give me the Syph anytime




I'm watching Grey's Anatomy for the first time in about two years and I see Alex Karev holding Izzy and I swear my heartbeat shot up and my breath got faster. Wow. I forgot what pure desire feels like. Goddamn. I mean, wow. Sarcastic demeanor, built shoulders, emotionally unavailable, explosive, passionate - winning combination for me. I'm kind of out of words since everything on me is sweating. Damn. I'm gonna start watching this show again with the sound turned off.

Busyness

Hello All,

Here are some more inconsequential stories from my daily life. (Wouldn't my blog be more interesting if I wrote about funny stuff?)
So, I was asked to semi-housesit for a neighbor, to keep their cat company. I thought I would have plenty of time to go over to their well-appointed home to hang out and cuddle the cat (to which I am only a little allergic), but it turns out that I work at night a lot! I haven't really paid that much attention because this is my life: working small jobs, babysitting, proctoring, etc. But then, I was at Cosi ordering a salad before proctoring on Wednesday night and the man who makes the sandwiches and salads said that my eyes looked tired! He asked if I worked a lot and I said "yes, I was about to go to my second job of the day" and he asked how many I work and I thought...."three?" I asked how many he worked and he said just the one at Cosi. The older man with the crap job in food services was pitying me! Can you believe such a thing?
I'm trying to get myself over to the neighbor's house to spend some time with the ancient cat. But first I want to relate another story.
Gosh I'm sleepy.
Okay, back to the point. I've noticed a big problem with internet fueled dating and flirting, at least for me. I will talk to a person and be all nice and involved and forget to look at their picture - or if I do, I hope that it isn't representative. Then I see the person face-to-face and have to be like, "oh actually I don't feel any chemistry," without adding "because you are heinously unattractive in real life." And then the man is all confused, because actually his photo was representative and I had just chosen to hope for the best. So then I feel guilty about that. Oh well.
I'm actually on a hiatus from men right now because I got to figure out how to get my self to Washington DC and get a job on Capitol Hill. Fingers crossed on that one.
Okay tut tut everyone. Til next time!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA


HOORAY! SENATOR BARACK OBAMA IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, TONIGHT, NOVEMBER 4, 2008. THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT IN 21ST CENTURY AMERICAN HISTORY. MY PRIDE AND JOY IS UNSPEAKABLE. I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS HAPPY IN THREE YEARS. YES WE CAN AND YES WE DID!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Knickerbocker Hotel Wedding


So last Saturday I went to my friend's wedding at the Knickerbocker Hotel. It was textbook elegant and glamorous. The service was very lovely, with some prayers. And there were 9 groomsmen to 6 bridesmaids! Sadly, most of the men there were married, so it was slim pickins for me. However, this man sitting next to me paid me dozens of compliments, although it became kind of creepy and weird when he suggested a long distance relationship. Enough said.

The glorious part was I had the most beautiful dress in the world. Given, it is the most beautiful, luxurious, gorgeous dress for a woman of my body type and coloring. The saleslady at Neiman Marcus said that everyone who tries on this dress buys it, and to be sure, when I tried it on, I fell in love. I was hit with a big one: pure silk, deep violet color, gorgeous flowers on the sleeve, elegant draping fit....it was meant to be. It's exorbitant cost was split by my Mother and me; I am to pay her back in three monthly installments of $100. I have never owned anything this expensive, except perhaps for a string of pearls that my parents gave me for high school graduation, and maybe the sapphire ring I received for college graduation. Anyway, I had a great time at the wedding. And I loved my dress. AND managed not to spill anything on it!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Catching up with old boyfriends

Maybe it's the cold air and the need to huddle up to something warm (like memories, or me), but I have been receiving information about old boyfriends recently. Which is rather disturbing.

For one, I learned that the father of an ex died nine months ago. Which is pretty sad. However, I can't bring myself to offer my condolences because then the ex might think he has permission to contact me, which he does not. So I will offer the condolences to the universe. I'm sorry for your loss, ex-and-family!

Secondly, I received a long email from another ex - the kind of epistle that you have no idea how to begin respond to.And! I have found my thoughts returning to a three times removed (a/k/a three boyfriends ago. I think three. It may have been more.). Anyway, while I know I would never be happy with this man, "sometimes I find myself sitting back and reminiscing, especially when I have to watch other people kissing..." (Lily Allen, "Littlest Things")

On another note, I feel so bad for Jennifer Hudson and the Hudson-King family. I can't believe the little boy, Julian King, was shot. What kind of barbaric world is this where a child is kidnapped and shot? And the most disheartening part is that no one would care about this family in Englewood, Chicago, if they weren't related to someone famous. I think eleven children who go to the Chicago Public Schools have been shot since school start two months ago. Eleven children! Gun violence must stop.

The founding fathers who wrote the second amendment had no premonition of the semi-automatic weapon. If the second amendment were limited to muskets and other 18th century arms, then it would be a lot better than the current interpretation. Taking the Constitution literally is like taking the Bible literally: both documents condone slavery and archaic social mores. They are templates, people! Meant to be adapted to modern times! agh!

So the world looks like a pretty dire place right now. I think we will all heave a huge sigh of relief when Obama is elected in a week. I am pretty sure that Obama is the second Messiah. Please God let him be elected, and not assassinated!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Oh no! Flat shoes

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,
I will be resigned to flat shoes for the next three weeks until my ankle heals. Coming out of a Boston-area bar last Sunday night I fell into a depression next to a curb and twisted my ankle. It is sore, swollen and blue. pretty. I went to the doctor today who told me "no high heels", "no dancing" and to stay off of it "as much as possible." I am going to a wedding on Saturday so that doesn't really work for me. Oh well.
I had a great trip to Boston. (Made a big fall! haha) I saw old friends, met new friends, parlayed with sisters and relatives. Walked around the Back Bay area a great deal.
More later

Monday, September 29, 2008

Shoes

So Ladies and Gentleman,
I know I haven't written the past couple days but that is because the preparation for my new job (!!!) kept me busy.
Shoe update: Apparently the gold Laundry stillettos I wore on Friday made an impression on several people because the next day my doorman asked me why I looked so pretty yesterday, and the doorman of the building down the block introduced himself to me and said I had looked pretty yesterday too. Apparently he sees me "everyday walking by in a hurry and real intent on something." haha that was funny. True I suppose, because often I'm a bit late.
Saturday I wore the Guess black leather pointy-toe slingbacks and was chided for being "tall." I wrapped a band-aid around the sore pinky toe, which helped a lot!
Sunday I wore the Linea Paolo red alligator print open-toe pumps with my long, gray, skinny jeans and they looked well, I thought.
Did anyone see "The Office" last Thursday? I thought it was hilarious!
All for now. Mmmm I love cereal.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Stilettos and Coffee

Day two of walking on over-pressured points. I have blisters on both little toes and one big toe (yech) and walking around in socks and gym shoes made the wee toes ache. So I'm going to venture forth in some new heels and get coffee down the street. Will report back.
(1 hour later)
That wasn't too bad. I just went to the Whispers Cafe and enjoyed a chai tea latte with soy milk. Yummo. I truly was a giantess in these four inch stilletto, yellow, Laundry designed stunners. The first man I passed had his mouth agape and then closed it when I looked at him. I just had my hair cut and styled (for my new job on Monday!) and it looked fierce so maybe it wasn't just the shoes. The best part was that the heels brought my knees up enough so I could write to my friend while sitting on a bench. Hoorah!
Enough for now. Time to babysit!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Adventures in Stillettos

Hello Friends,
So today I started day one of my grand social experiment! The twofold topic: how does wearing high heels affect how others see me? and How long can I wear heels before I go berserk or my feet give out? I'm going to wear high heels for two hours every day for a week and see what happens.
I'm motivated by the 10+ pairs of heels in my closet which I seldom wear, have had for years, and can't seem to give up. Today I chose the open-toe pink suede BCBGirls four-inch heels and wore them as I walked errands around town.
First thing I noticed was that people said "excuse me" and moved out of the way when I passed them on narrow sidewalks. Perhaps because in those shoes I must stand about 6'1" and am therefore a giantess? Men looked at me more than they usually do, and all the clatter of the heels drew attention to me in a most uncomfortable way upon entering stores. So far the only advantage is having the right of way on sidewalks!
Within minutes my fourth left toe began to feel the pinch, even though I had pre-lotioned my feet. Usually when I go out and wear uncomfortable shoes I get a few drinks in me to numb the pain receptors. In the middle of the afternoon that was not an option.
The heels forced me to move slowly and to use my abdominal muscles to stay upright. I also sweat like a mofo but that could have been because of the direct sunlight. An hour later the balls of my feet were chaffed from friction and no cushioning.
Although I had more places to go, after two hours I called it quits and returned home, dragging my tired, limp feet with me.
The rest of today I'm going to wear flats. There is no way I am taking the bus in stillettos. That would not be fair to my fellow passengers! What if I should lose my balance and step on some toes! I guess high heels do make me feel a little sexier but they are also uber-distracting because I keep thinking about my feet instead of the task at hand. Maybe as the week goes on I will get better at not noticing the pain. I am anticipating that I will get all sorts of callouses and cuts. I'll keep you posted. Though really any topic about feet is kind of gross.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Latest

So I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there has been a lot going on. First of all I've been working a lot which is pimp because it helps pay the bills (cell phone bills, health care bills, credit card bills...) Then I've been trying to land a couple part time jobs which is a little slow because the job hirer is never in as big a rush as you are! Then I've been working on marketing my calligraphy skillz (with a z because they are mad good) to paper stores and wedding planners. Then, I been applying to graduate schools (no z because they are frightening with their ability to reject) for a masters in fine arts and law.
I realized that Law might be a good idea because I want to make enough money to buy a whole bunch of park benches and name them after my father and to get a big monument at the cemetery which won't sink into the ground in 100 years like so many other ones. I was at a cemetery in Springfield, Illinois two days ago, checking out the graves of some ancestors which I had never seen before. Many of the stones were illegible and one had broken and fallen, and another was being eaten by grass. Kind of sad. I really hope that in 100 years my descendants will tend to the family gravestones. As long as someone remembers your name you never really die. In many cultures the ancestors are worshiped, not that I am advocating that because ancestors were people full of flaws and charms like everyone else, but it would be nice to be remembered.
Other things I've been doing: proctoring practice tests for the Princeton Review. I got a polo shirt with the Princeton Review logo on it, mad cool. I've been following the Cubs and Bears games. Today I noticed that I went right for the sports section of the Tribune. I have come a long way as a sports fan! jeez I am impressed with myself.
I've also been hitting up the therapy a lot, which is good for learning how to take care of oneself and to navigate the world. Today I relearned that it is best for me not to hook up with someone repeatedly unless they can offer me a relationship. What I really want in a man is someone who is proud to call me their girlfriend and who will be part of the family (i.e. come to the myriad parties throughout the year) My sister was engaged at 24 and while I am in no hurry to get married it's probably not a good idea to spend time in the vast wasteland of going-nowhere relationships. Unless I am learning something which I am not.
Haven't been exercising enough, but I will get on that on the 25th (oh tomorrow!) because that will give me a month to get in shape before my friend's wedding.
Been listening to a lot of Atmosphere. Great duo. New favorite song is "Yesterday" and I like "Shoes" too.
Alright, time for me to do something career useful.
xoxo

Monday, September 15, 2008

David Foster Wallace is dead

Transcription of the 2005 Kenyon Commencement Address - May 21, 2005

(If anybody feels like perspiring [cough], I'd advise you to go ahead, because I'm sure going to. In fact I'm gonna [mumbles while pulling up his gown and taking out a handkerchief from his pocket].) Greetings ["parents"?] and congratulations to Kenyon's graduating class of 2005. There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?"

This is a standard requirement of US commencement speeches, the deployment of didactic little parable-ish stories. The story ["thing"] turns out to be one of the better, less bullshitty conventions of the genre, but if you're worried that I plan to present myself here as the wise, older fish explaining what water is to you younger fish, please don't be. I am not the wise old fish. The point of the fish story is merely that the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about. Stated as an English sentence, of course, this is just a banal platitude, but the fact is that in the day to day trenches of adult existence, banal platitudes can have a life or death importance, or so I wish to suggest to you on this dry and lovely morning.

Of course the main requirement of speeches like this is that I'm supposed to talk about your liberal arts education's meaning, to try to explain why the degree you are about to receive has actual human value instead of just a material payoff. So let's talk about the single most pervasive cliché in the commencement speech genre, which is that a liberal arts education is not so much about filling you up with knowledge as it is about quote teaching you how to think. If you're like me as a student, you've never liked hearing this, and you tend to feel a bit insulted by the claim that you needed anybody to teach you how to think, since the fact that you even got admitted to a college this good seems like proof that you already know how to think. But I'm going to posit to you that the liberal arts cliché turns out not to be insulting at all, because the really significant education in thinking that we're supposed to get in a place like this isn't really about the capacity to think, but rather about the choice of what to think about. If your total freedom of choice regarding what to think about seems too obvious to waste time discussing, I'd ask you to think about fish and water, and to bracket for just a few minutes your skepticism about the value of the totally obvious.

Here's another didactic little story. There are these two guys sitting together in a bar in the remote Alaskan wilderness. One of the guys is religious, the other is an atheist, and the two are arguing about the existence of God with that special intensity that comes after about the fourth beer. And the atheist says: "Look, it's not like I don't have actual reasons for not believing in God. It's not like I haven't ever experimented with the whole God and prayer thing. Just last month I got caught away from the camp in that terrible blizzard, and I was totally lost and I couldn't see a thing, and it was fifty below, and so I tried it: I fell to my knees in the snow and cried out 'Oh, God, if there is a God, I'm lost in this blizzard, and I'm gonna die if you don't help me.'" And now, in the bar, the religious guy looks at the atheist all puzzled. "Well then you must believe now," he says, "After all, here you are, alive." The atheist just rolls his eyes. "No, man, all that was was a couple Eskimos happened to come wandering by and showed me the way back to camp."

It's easy to run this story through kind of a standard liberal arts analysis: the exact same experience can mean two totally different things to two different people, given those people's two different belief templates and two different ways of constructing meaning from experience. Because we prize tolerance and diversity of belief, nowhere in our liberal arts analysis do we want to claim that one guy's interpretation is true and the other guy's is false or bad. Which is fine, except we also never end up talking about just where these individual templates and beliefs come from. Meaning, where they come from INSIDE the two guys. As if a person's most basic orientation toward the world, and the meaning of his experience were somehow just hard-wired, like height or shoe-size; or automatically absorbed from the culture, like language. As if how we construct meaning were not actually a matter of personal, intentional choice. Plus, there's the whole matter of arrogance. The nonreligious guy is so totally certain in his dismissal of the possibility that the passing Eskimos had anything to do with his prayer for help. True, there are plenty of religious people who seem arrogant and certain of their own interpretations, too. They're probably even more repulsive than atheists, at least to most of us. But religious dogmatists' problem is exactly the same as the story's unbeliever: blind certainty, a close-mindedness that amounts to an imprisonment so total that the prisoner doesn't even know he's locked up.

The point here is that I think this is one part of what teaching me how to think is really supposed to mean. To be just a little less arrogant. To have just a little critical awareness about myself and my certainties. Because a huge percentage of the stuff that I tend to be automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded. I have learned this the hard way, as I predict you graduates will, too.

Here is just one example of the total wrongness of something I tend to be automatically sure of: everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that I am the absolute center of the universe; the realest, most vivid and important person in existence. We rarely think about this sort of natural, basic self-centeredness because it's so socially repulsive. But it's pretty much the same for all of us. It is our default setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth. Think about it: there is no experience you have had that you are not the absolute center of. The world as you experience it is there in front of YOU or behind YOU, to the left or right of YOU, on YOUR TV or YOUR monitor. And so on. Other people's thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, real.

Please don't worry that I'm getting ready to lecture you about compassion or other-directedness or all the so-called virtues. This is not a matter of virtue. It's a matter of my choosing to do the work of somehow altering or getting free of my natural, hard-wired default setting which is to be deeply and literally self-centered and to see and interpret everything through this lens of self. People who can adjust their natural default setting this way are often described as being "well-adjusted", which I suggest to you is not an accidental term.

Given the triumphant academic setting here, an obvious question is how much of this work of adjusting our default setting involves actual knowledge or intellect. This question gets very tricky. Probably the most dangerous thing about an academic education -- least in my own case -- is that it enables my tendency to over-intellectualize stuff, to get lost in abstract argument inside my head, instead of simply paying attention to what is going on right in front of me, paying attention to what is going on inside me.

As I'm sure you guys know by now, it is extremely difficult to stay alert and attentive, instead of getting hypnotized by the constant monologue inside your own head (may be happening right now). Twenty years after my own graduation, I have come gradually to understand that the liberal arts cliché about teaching you how to think is actually shorthand for a much deeper, more serious idea: learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed. Think of the old cliché about quote the mind being an excellent servant but a terrible master.

This, like many clichés, so lame and unexciting on the surface, actually expresses a great and terrible truth. It is not the least bit coincidental that adults who commit suicide with firearms almost always shoot themselves in: the head. They shoot the terrible master. And the truth is that most of these suicides are actually dead long before they pull the trigger.

And I submit that this is what the real, no bullshit value of your liberal arts education is supposed to be about: how to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone day in and day out. That may sound like hyperbole, or abstract nonsense. Let's get concrete. The plain fact is that you graduating seniors do not yet have any clue what "day in day out" really means. There happen to be whole, large parts of adult American life that nobody talks about in commencement speeches. One such part involves boredom, routine, and petty frustration. The parents and older folks here will know all too well what I'm talking about.

By way of example, let's say it's an average adult day, and you get up in the morning, go to your challenging, white-collar, college-graduate job, and you work hard for eight or ten hours, and at the end of the day you're tired and somewhat stressed and all you want is to go home and have a good supper and maybe unwind for an hour, and then hit the sack early because, of course, you have to get up the next day and do it all again. But then you remember there's no food at home. You haven't had time to shop this week because of your challenging job, and so now after work you have to get in your car and drive to the supermarket. It's the end of the work day and the traffic is apt to be: very bad. So getting to the store takes way longer than it should, and when you finally get there, the supermarket is very crowded, because of course it's the time of day when all the other people with jobs also try to squeeze in some grocery shopping. And the store is hideously lit and infused with soul-killing muzak or corporate pop and it's pretty much the last place you want to be but you can't just get in and quickly out; you have to wander all over the huge, over-lit store's confusing aisles to find the stuff you want and you have to maneuver your junky cart through all these other tired, hurried people with carts (et cetera, et cetera, cutting stuff out because this is a long ceremony) and eventually you get all your supper supplies, except now it turns out there aren't enough check-out lanes open even though it's the end-of-the-day rush. So the checkout line is incredibly long, which is stupid and infuriating. But you can't take your frustration out on the frantic lady working the register, who is overworked at a job whose daily tedium and meaninglessness surpasses the imagination of any of us here at a prestigious college.

But anyway, you finally get to the checkout line's front, and you pay for your food, and you get told to "Have a nice day" in a voice that is the absolute voice of death. Then you have to take your creepy, flimsy, plastic bags of groceries in your cart with the one crazy wheel that pulls maddeningly to the left, all the way out through the crowded, bumpy, littery parking lot, and then you have to drive all the way home through slow, heavy, SUV-intensive, rush-hour traffic, et cetera et cetera.

Everyone here has done this, of course. But it hasn't yet been part of you graduates' actual life routine, day after week after month after year.

But it will be. And many more dreary, annoying, seemingly meaningless routines besides. But that is not the point. The point is that petty, frustrating crap like this is exactly where the work of choosing is gonna come in. Because the traffic jams and crowded aisles and long checkout lines give me time to think, and if I don't make a conscious decision about how to think and what to pay attention to, I'm gonna be pissed and miserable every time I have to shop. Because my natural default setting is the certainty that situations like this are really all about me. About MY hungriness and MY fatigue and MY desire to just get home, and it's going to seem for all the world like everybody else is just in my way. And who are all these people in my way? And look at how repulsive most of them are, and how stupid and cow-like and dead-eyed and nonhuman they seem in the checkout line, or at how annoying and rude it is that people are talking loudly on cell phones in the middle of the line. And look at how deeply and personally unfair this is.

Or, of course, if I'm in a more socially conscious liberal arts form of my default setting, I can spend time in the end-of-the-day traffic being disgusted about all the huge, stupid, lane-blocking SUV's and Hummers and V-12 pickup trucks, burning their wasteful, selfish, forty-gallon tanks of gas, and I can dwell on the fact that the patriotic or religious bumper-stickers always seem to be on the biggest, most disgustingly selfish vehicles, driven by the ugliest [responding here to loud applause] (this is an example of how NOT to think, though) most disgustingly selfish vehicles, driven by the ugliest, most inconsiderate and aggressive drivers. And I can think about how our children's children will despise us for wasting all the future's fuel, and probably screwing up the climate, and how spoiled and stupid and selfish and disgusting we all are, and how modern consumer society just sucks, and so forth and so on.

You get the idea.

If I choose to think this way in a store and on the freeway, fine. Lots of us do. Except thinking this way tends to be so easy and automatic that it doesn't have to be a choice. It is my natural default setting. It's the automatic way that I experience the boring, frustrating, crowded parts of adult life when I'm operating on the automatic, unconscious belief that I am the center of the world, and that my immediate needs and feelings are what should determine the world's priorities.

The thing is that, of course, there are totally different ways to think about these kinds of situations. In this traffic, all these vehicles stopped and idling in my way, it's not impossible that some of these people in SUV's have been in horrible auto accidents in the past, and now find driving so terrifying that their therapist has all but ordered them to get a huge, heavy SUV so they can feel safe enough to drive. Or that the Hummer that just cut me off is maybe being driven by a father whose little child is hurt or sick in the seat next to him, and he's trying to get this kid to the hospital, and he's in a bigger, more legitimate hurry than I am: it is actually I who am in HIS way.

Or I can choose to force myself to consider the likelihood that everyone else in the supermarket's checkout line is just as bored and frustrated as I am, and that some of these people probably have harder, more tedious and painful lives than I do.

Again, please don't think that I'm giving you moral advice, or that I'm saying you are supposed to think this way, or that anyone expects you to just automatically do it. Because it's hard. It takes will and effort, and if you are like me, some days you won't be able to do it, or you just flat out won't want to.

But most days, if you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this fat, dead-eyed, over-made-up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line. Maybe she's not usually like this. Maybe she's been up three straight nights holding the hand of a husband who is dying of bone cancer. Or maybe this very lady is the low-wage clerk at the motor vehicle department, who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a horrific, infuriating, red-tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness. Of course, none of this is likely, but it's also not impossible. It just depends what you what to consider. If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider possibilities that aren't annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.

Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it.

This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship.

Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship -- be it JC or Allah, bet it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles -- is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.

Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings.

They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing.

And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the center of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving and [unintelligible -- sounds like "displayal"]. The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.

That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.

I know that this stuff probably doesn't sound fun and breezy or grandly inspirational the way a commencement speech is supposed to sound. What it is, as far as I can see, is the capital-T Truth, with a whole lot of rhetorical niceties stripped away. You are, of course, free to think of it whatever you wish. But please don't just dismiss it as just some finger-wagging Dr. Laura sermon. None of this stuff is really about morality or religion or dogma or big fancy questions of life after death.

The capital-T Truth is about life BEFORE death.

It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over:

"This is water."

"This is water."

It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive in the adult world day in and day out. Which means yet another grand cliché turns out to be true: your education really IS the job of a lifetime. And it commences: now.

I wish you way more than luck.


Saturday, September 13, 2008

What Can I Do to Help Barack Win?

If Barack Obama doesn't win the election in November and I didn't try my hardest to make it happen, then I will never forgive myself. That said, I'm wondering if blogging about his policies or the hypocrisy of his opponents will do any good. I'm currently reading his memoir "Dreams From My Father" and it is really good. I mean, he struggled with his identity just like the rest of the us. He has the spark of genius because he recognizes that we have a responsibility to our community, we "are our brother's keeper." I truly believe that.
So I've contacted some people I know on his campaign and asked what I can do. I haven't gotten any concrete answers, but I will keep y'all posted. It's not like I'm short on time - I have plenty! I wore my Obama Girl tshirt today and this Starbucks barista was like "what is an Obama girl?" I was like what do you think it is, moron. So I said "It's the inverse of an Obama boy?" Undeterred, he said "what is an obama boy?" I said "Someone who supports Obama, give me a tall nonfat latte."

Friday, September 5, 2008

Birthday

I had the best birthday party last night. Seven friends joined me at Cru, and since there was a torrential downpour yesterday, the wine bar was near empty - so we all had seats and could hear each other! I saw old friends, new friends, fiances; everyone had a couple drinks - no raging drunkenness. Everyone got along really well (could be because they are all connected to the legal profession so they have that in common). I was all smiles.
Everyone left after two hours because they had to work but my friend M suggested that we get a drink somewhere else. So we went to the Sofitel bar (my favorite) and had two drinks there and caught up on our lives. By then I was tipsy. But while we were waiting for our check, two Scandinavian businessmen ask if they can join us. On learning of the celebration they order a bottle of Moet and Chandon champagne.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Categories for Scattergories

While on vacation, we brainstormed for more categories for Scattergories. The best is Meg's "Places where a woman belongs" but she came up with that a while ago.
  1. Things you put in your mouth
  2. Great Artists
  3. Newspapers/periodicals
  4. Apparel Designers
  5. Words that rhyme with "duck"
  6. Famous Athletes
  7. Things you wear
  8. Vegetables
  9. Suburbs
  10. Olympic Events
  11. Forms of Travel
  12. Meats
  13. Things that smell
  14. American Indian tribes
  15. Valentine's Day presents
  16. Cartoon Characters
  17. Illegal drugs
  18. quadripeds
  19. Things Jake does to annoy Helena
  20. Members of Congress
  21. Dictators
  22. Vitamins
  23. Streets in Chicago
  24. Pets that Erik has had or imagined
  25. Swear words
  26. Things you find in your teeth
  27. Children's books
  28. kinds of fabric
  29. Acts of Kindness
  30. Things that smell when left outside for three days

Family Values in the GOP?

Wow. I just heard that Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter is pregnant - and seventeen. Allegedly, Bristol Palin plans to marry the father. If the boy isn't up for a shot-gun wedding I'm sure the entire Republican party will make him think twice.
Gracious.
I don't think there is anything wrong with having a child so young, it's not a right/wrong situation, but I do think it will make any GOP efforts to promote abstinence-only education look really hypocritical right now.
Anyway, I can't believe that the GOP thinks women who went for Hilary Clinton might go for Sarah Palin. This represents the definition of affirmative action according to right-wingers: one woman is as good as any other. As if one could confuse Senator Clinton, who has a marked record of political activism, with the neophyte mayor of a town of 7,000! in Alaska of all places! What kind of complex social dynamics exist in Alaska? Does the state often brush with international politics? Well, Alaska neighbors Russia which is rather scary right now, to be sure. (Putin, I used to give you mad props bro, but you gotta stop invading other countries!)
Regardless, all the brou-haha will blow over soon and then the GOP will be left with the substance of the ticket: 2 liabilities.
Isn't it poetic justice that Hurricane Gustav landed on the first day of the GOP Convention? haha.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Opinions

Here's the thing: I vacillate wildly in my opinions, especially about people. I'm in a constant struggle to keep my spirits up which leads to, I think, a heavy disparity between what I say and what I actually feel. Denial - I wonder if it gets you anywhere? Like maybe you need to deny for a little while until you get to a place where you can process your feelings more accurately/safely.
I read that you have to let go of who you were in order to become who you want to be. (or are?)

Ugh

I've been nursing this headache for the past two days. I'm thinking it comes from bad lighting or something. I've identified that wine, caffeinated drinks, anxiety, air pressure changes, and depression give me headaches.
I feel like hell today. I did work out though. Last night too. My running skill level is way down from where it was last May, when I quit exercising, but it will come back I hope. It would really make me feel better to achieve one of the goals I set for myself before I turn 24! Since I don't have a job I like, my own apartment, a gallery show, or an application to graduate school, maybe it will be possible for me to run 5 miles before September. Maybe not.
Tomorrow is my Grandma's birthday. If she hadn't died of unnatural causes she would be 93. Born in 1915.
There is too much sorrow in my life.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Joe Biden

I heard from someone who heard from someone who heard from someone at NBC that Barack Obama's running mate will be Senator Joseph Biden (D-DE). Hurrah! I always thought Biden was the right choice. Take that haters!

Cowards


A thought to open this discussion:
Paul Varjak: "You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."
-Breakfast at Tiffany's

I've been thinking a lot about how bravery and cowardice play out in relationship. A person may be all kinds of wrong for me, but I will stick with him until I learn that he is an ignoble milksop. Then I'm gone and don't look back.
I also know that any characteristic you despise in others is one you find in yourself. So yes, I can be fearful and whiny, but I try to overcome it, especially in a crisis. Booya.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Vacation

Dear Readers,
I am finally going on a summer vacation! So I will be gone for a week or so. Packing for a trip is so stressful don't you think? Ugh, I've been wanting to be in bed for 45 minutes now. I'm waiting for my ipod to finish syncing, but it's taking forever!
Hope everyone is well. Except you. You know who you are.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Birthday

Birthdays are a big deal in my family; it is not uncommon to celebrate for a week or more. Maybe it's because my family loves to eat and drink. We make gift lists for birthdays and Christmas, which I've learned is not a universal practice! Since I have no money to spend on myself this year I'm hoping that people buy me presents.
This is what I want for my birthday which is in early September:
  • The Ladies Man DVD
  • Subscription to INstyle and Psychology Today
  • a massage
  • Money for highlights
  • Drinks at the Pump Room
  • Jo Malone perfume in Orange Blossom or Grapefruit
  • Nars eyeshadow in Galapagos
  • Happiness
  • My own apartment
  • a job
  • World Peace
  • Hardcover copy of "the Portrait of a Lady" and "This Side of Paradise"
  • cellulite free bottom
  • Cake from Bombon Cafe
  • Coffee cake from Swedish Bakery
  • French Press coffee maker
  • flat screen tv
  • Cubs and Bears jerseys

This will also double as my Christmas List.

John Edwards is a Total Slime

I watched his interview on Nightline. Wow, what a jerk. In his mind, his sin is somewhat alleviated because the cancer of his "beloved" wife of 30 years was in remission. Elizabeth Edwards is one of the most admired women in America and he does not deserve the privilege to be her husband.
I think the authors of "He's Just Not that Into You" said it best:"If he is sleeping with someone else without your knowledge or encouragement, he is not only behaving like a man who's just not that into you, he's behaving like a man who doesn't even like you that much." Another insight: "If you are in a mutually established monogamous relationship, then when someone cheats on you, they have decided to blatantly disrespect a very important decision you two made together."

I don't buy his excuse that he became a narcissist because of all the fame and thus he thought he could do anything and get away with it. I believe that he was always a narcissist and chose to viscerally hurt his wife and children. John Edwards's immaturity only exacerbates his moral bankruptcy.

RIP Bernie Mac


I just heard on E! News that Bernie Mac died in a Chicago hospital. He had a bad case of pneumonia and an autoimmune disorder. I am so sad to hear this. He was a great comedian with a wonderful smile. Bernie Mac was only 50; it's hard to see people called home too early.
I found this out on chron.com:
The comedian suffered from sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease that produces tiny lumps of cells in the body's organs, but had said the condition went into remission in 2005. He recently was hospitalized and treated for pneumonia, which his publicist said was not related to the disease.
I also learned that his sitcom, The Bernie Mac Show, earned a Peabody Award. Very impressive.
Prayers for strength go out to his family.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Homage to Estelle Getty


It's time to salute Estelle Getty, the great actress who portrayed Sophia Petrillo on The Golden Girls from 1985-1992. She died July 22 at the age of 84. Sophia is one of the greatest comic tv characters. Sophia always carried a little purse on her arm and had zesty one-liners to tease her daughter and friends.Sophia: Let me tell you girls the three most important things I learned about life: number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there's no such thing as security; and number three, don't go see "Ishtar." Woof.


Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.
-----------
Stan: Hello Sophia, you're looking younger every day.
Sophia: Hi Stan, and that's a beautiful toupee you're wearing. Great, now we're both liars.
----------
Stan: I know everything about basketball - it's one of the interesting things about me.
Sophia: Please. You've lived here for two months; there's nothing interesting about you.
Stan: Go on, ask me anything.
Sophia: All right... when are you moving out?

Sophia: You're Blanche's daughter, the model?
Rebecca: That's right.
Sophia: What did she model - car covers?

Sophia: Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got good sense, and you know what you're doing.
Rose: Oh, Sophia.
Sophia: Blanche, you're a slut.
Blanche: Oh, Sophia.
Dorothy: Ma, Rose isn't talking to me...
Sophia: Enjoy it while it lasts, now good night.

Blanche: Oh girls... I'm just in ecstasy. My body is tingling all over. You will never guess what just happened.
Sophia: We know what happened. Let us just guess what part of the Middle East he's from.

Sophia: Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you got to remember. You got your health, right?
Blanche: Yeah.
Sophia: You can still walk, can't you?
Blanche: That's true.
Sophia: Great, go get me a glass of water.
----------
Blanche: I have writer's block. It's the worst feeling in the world.
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
----------
Rose: [Rose is checking Sophia into the hospital] Name?
Sophia: Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Phat Pharm

Hello Friends,
So I am really fat now. Or carrying food baby twins. But it's time for me to start an exercise regime and to make healthy eating choices.
Here is what I ate today:
Breakfast: Coffee and cheerios
Morning: 100 calorie Coca-Cola
Lunch: stuffed spinach pizza
Snack: 100 cal Coca Cola, iced tea, 2 crackers
Dinner: cheese and bread and chips appetizers, bean and rice burrito (ugh), milk, diet coke.
Second dinner at Matisse: spinach and artichoke dip, giant piece of apple strudel and ice cream, half pitcher of sangria.
Wow. I only eat and drink glucose and fat. This is really disgusting. And I really feel ill now. WAY too full.

Exercise: Walk home from Matisse to North Ave (12 blocks = 1.5 miles) which I gave up when the blisters on my feet started to burn. They are always getting in my way.

I'm going to follow one of those exercise plans from magazines that promise to lose 4 pounds in a month or something - but for a week. Just to see if I can. Then I'll probably modify my exercise routine to my normal pace: 2x/week. Hopefully.
I also want to take a dance and yoga class. Hmm maybe I can enroll in one this week! whoa now.
That's all folks.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Another Thing About Edward Norton in the Painted Veil

Here's another thing that I love about Walter Fane. He is overjoyed to learn of his wife's pregnancy, even though she is terrified he supports her. What a gentleman.Kitty Fane: Walter, stop. I'm pregnant.
Walter Fane: A baby?
[while Walter begins to look elated, Kitty looks terrified]
Walter Fane: You're quite certain?
Kitty Fane: Yes.
Walter Fane: Well, that's wonderful.
[he sees the scared look on Kitty's face and the he remembers; Kitty's affair with Charlie Townsend]
Walter Fane: How long do you think you've been like this?
Kitty Fane: Two months. Maybe longer.
Walter Fane: [his expression becomes solemn] Kitty. Am I the father?
Kitty Fane: [crying softly] I honestly don't know. I'm sorry.
Walter Fane: Well... It doesn't matter now, does it?
Kitty Fane: No. No, it doesn't.
[Kitty throws her arms around Walter and embraces him. He in turn hugs her back]

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Person I want to Have a Romance Scene with: Edward Norton

Hellllll yea! Edward Norton playing Dr. Fane in "The Painted Veil" is like, wow. The scene with him and Kitty when they reunite after months of resentment and tension is so hot.
The movie and book are amazing but this is not a post about the great quotes from the film. It's about Edward Norton's character's hotness.
Damn.

Great Movie Quotes: Tommy Boy

Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard Hayden: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
----------
Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard Hayden: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too, all right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
-----------
[Tommy sees a pretty woman. Richard is watching from his window]
Richard Hayden: Scram Tommy. Don't give her the weight room thing.
[Tommy approaches her acting muscular and buff]
Tommy: Do you know where the weight room is? I'll check it out.
-----------
Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: [laughs] Why?

[last lines]
Tommy: Oh, that's gonna leave a mark!

Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a Goddamn bridge abutment!

Tommy: Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
-----------------
Boardroom Woman: Whores running around, doing their little behind-shake for the men folk...
Richard Hayden: I kinda like her idea.
Boardroom Man: For Christ's sake. Once during the war I visited a prostitute, and my life has been a living hell ever since.
----------------
Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
[chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing too]
Ted Nelson, Customer: [impatiently] What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's...
Tommy, Richard Hayden: ...What?

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Bear Arms

I believe in the right to bear arms. If you want fuzzy, hairy arms, go ahead! Party on!
However, I do not believe people should be bearing arms (weapons). That is a bad idea. Go gun control laws! Hurrah Mayor Daley!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Brave

I am throwing out the rule book and starting over. I will take a brave new attitude to face the old world. I have been afraid too long. Of what, I am not exactly sure. Perhaps afraid of the bottom falling out of the little world I have wrapped myself in. But time has reached a juncture. In late August, people cross paths to new schools, homes, partnerships and jobs. I feel like I have been a piece of cork drifting in a river, not exactly going anywhere, just bobbing up and down. So much of my home, schools, jobs, and friends are outside of my control, but I can determine to be brave.
So here I am.
Brave.

Goals

My goal in life is to be thin without having to exercise. Not very realistic huh? And probably not healthy in the long run. But! My Mom is thin and doesn't exercise. She also doesn't eat sweets. I love anything sugary and creamy.
Now, I love the way I look. Round, hairy, with cellulite jiggle - there is just more of me to love! But, when I don't fit into the two suits I have (which I tried on for an interview today) I got a problem. I can't afford a new suit, which would be a waste of money anyway. So basically I've got to quit shoving my face with chocolate and chips (and chocolate chips) and hop on that treadmill a couple times a week. So sad. I enjoy being a lush.
A few months ago I was all about the diet. And then I realized that being thin leads to being hit on by guys and when that happens I often make poor decisions. Okay I got it: be thin by not drinking. (I don't drink much now, poverty reinforces sobriety) and not going out.
Here's something I really love: spinach and artichoke dip. whoooeee. If you know of anything better to eat, let me know. Stuffed mushrooms are also pretty good. As is goat cheese veggie pizza. Yummo. Fried tofu is the bomb. I gotta make that tonight.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Sponges and other Cleaning Tips

Cleaning Tip #1
If you microwave a sponge for 1 minute, then you will kill all the germs that make sponges smell bad. A/k/a Sterilization.

This I got from a website called www.mousecleaning.com. Since I started cleaning homes professionally I have greater interest in doing it efficiently. If you know anyone who wants to hire me, please let me know. xoxo
Tips For Eliminating House Cleaning StressThere is nothing like unexpected company to send you into a mad frenzy of house cleaning, and a resolution to do a better job of keeping your home in order. It is, of course, not easy to keep on top of housework when you have young (any) children, when you work outside the home and spend time on hobbies and sports, when the people you live with are unrepentant slobs, or when you are an unrepentant slob yourself. But never mind how it all happened, if company is coming and your house looks like the "after" picture in a disaster photo shoot, you need to make some quick decisions about what must be done before the guests arrive.
Make Yourself Look Good (your guests will never know)
1. Make a checklist of tasks that need to be done by deadline, and enlist everyone in the household to help. Assign tasks and offer rewards if there is a lack of enthusiasm for this house cleaning effort.
2. Turn off the TV and turn on some loud music with a good rock beat to put you all in the mood.
3. Start with the rooms that guests see first – kitchen, living room, and main bathroom – and move on from there.
4. Get rid of clutter:
* Remove dirty dishes from all rooms and wash or hide them in the dishwasher.
* Pick up clothes dropped on floors and draped over furniture and hang them up, put them in the clothes hamper, or, in an emergency-last-ditch effort, bundle them up and hide them on the floor of a closet.
* Pick up toys and sports and hobby items and put them where they belong or, if guests are already knocking on the door, see floor-of-the-closet suggestion above.
* Straighten furniture, cushions, pictures, and lampshades, and align books, magazines, and knickknacks.
* Throw out dead flowers and put half-dead plants out of sight.
* Clean toilet bowls, sinks, and bathtubs, and hide bathroom junk in cupboards and cabinets.
* Make the beds.
5. When everything is neat and tidy, get busy with vacuum cleaners and vacuum attachments. Vacuum the floors and carpets and dust everything in sight. If there isn’t time for that, grab that easy-to-use cordless vacuum cleaner and pick up the spills and the biggest bits of stuff dropped on the carpet and floors.
6. Until you run out of time, wash floors, spots on walls, and anything else that needs it and is visible.
How to Keep This Nightmare From Happening Again
1. Make a chart of daily chores, as well as those that need to be done weekly and monthly, and put every family member in charge of some items on each list. Even young children can be helpful. Check off chores when they are completed. Offer rewards – it works better than punishments for chores left undone. Don’t forget to reward yourself.
2. Invest in a good vacuum with suitable attachments, and have pails, mops, wash cloths, scrubbing brushes, and good (preferably child-and-health-safe) cleaning products stored in a handy place, and have a tool kit to carry what is needed from room to room.
3. If you prefer cooking or gardening or playing with your children to house cleaning, hire a maid service if you can afford the price, or treat yourself to the service now and then.
4. Make it your business to keep the family on top of ongoing daily tasks:
* Put dishes in the dishwasher and see that it is turned on before you go to bed. If dishes are washed by hand, see that they are done every evening.
* Have a place to stack newspapers and magazines and get rid of the excess every week.
* Regularly donate unused household items and clothing to charity.
* Use small baskets to hold the junk emptied out of pockets – including keys and change – and one for mail, as well.
Clean regularly rather than let chores pile up until the work becomes overwhelming. You, too, can enjoy unexpected guests when they arrive instead of the alternate: drooping from house cleaning exhaustion in a bleary-eyed, zombie-like state. Get with it!

HOW TO CLEAN A COMPUTER

Your computer can be cleaned by a hard surface cleaner, in concentrated solution in warm water. It will not be cleaned well by alcohol cleaners.
The casing: using a cloth well wrung out in your chosen solution, wipe over the casing any any externalparts of the computer, the cabling, the base of the keyboard. Rinse the cloth out and remove the soil - which will be considerable. Do not use any excess water and do not try to push water into the vents in the casings.
Do not use any excess water on the keyboard keys - you will be able to clean these by using little bits of damp cloth pushed around the keys by cocktail sticks or toothpicks
The following actions need to be taken every six months
Now you need to open the case. Take a vacuum cleaner and its crevice tool and being extremely careful how you do it, remove all the dust out of the case and the fans. Do not get the vacuum cleaner motor anywhere near your computer components, and earth yourself by touching any metal object which is known to be earthed - pipework, radiators, etc.
Ensure that the vents around the casing are vacuumed and also vacuum the keyboard - you would be surprised how much dust and rubbish collects in the keyboard. . By keeping dust out of the inside of the case and around the fans, you will prevent your computer from overheating and therefore damaging the components. Think of the costs involved. It is never a sensible move to just push the dust out by blowing it out. This dust sits in the air and gets recycled - back into your machine.

CLEANING YOUR MOUSE

You can clean inside the mouse by removing the ball, and removing the dust, fluff stray food, dog and human hairs, etc. from around the rollers This has to be scraped out - do not get the mouse wet.

CLEANING FURNITURE

Wooden furniture can be cleaned with
Detergent solution or
Soap solution or
Washing -up liquid solution or
Vinegar solution
Rinse off and leave to dry. Raw wood then should be dressed with a mixture of beeswax and oil or turpentine (which is an oil derived from pine trees). Wax will not clean if your furniture is heavily soiled, unless it is antique wood in which case your furniture should be kept waxed as a preventative measure, to avoid drying and subsequent warping. Teak or linseed oils are the usual wood dressing oils. If your wood furniture is laminated or varnished, as most modern furniture is, then it will not need dressing at all. Avoid the spray polish anywhere around your home - it does not clean, but merely attracts and seals in even more soiling. Life goes on well enough without it. So throw it out.
If your furniture is antique and valuable, then french polishing is an answer to a poor finish. This is a mixture of shellac in methylated spirit and it leaves a beautiful glossy finish, which is easily maintained by a polish with a dry cloth after a gentle quick wash if needed.

FABRICS

Fabrics are tricky -curtains can be washed but we hold no hope out at all for chairs which attract children, cats, dogs and large amounts of food and grease and worse. You may be able to steam the chair fabric but isn't prevention rather better than cure? Throw a cover over the chair - you can throw that in the washing machine. Spot treatment on most fabrics will show as spots when dry and the whole begins to look very unsightly -clean in some places and not in others. Always consider the end result when cleaning or attempting to clean.
For a more comprehensive guide to stain removal check out stain removal guide.

MATTRESS CLEANING

We have used a wand - type carpet cleaner and a carpet cleaning solution on a mattress quite successfully. It then should be dried properly and thoroughly. A mattress needs a very good vacuum cleaning and should be turned regularly Should you have any bedwetters around, turn the mattress over immediately after the accident onto a towel or two and leave until dry. Can you tell this is the voice of experience here? Protect the mattress with a rubber sheet for preference.

HOW TO AVOID THE DUSTING COMPLETELY

Is it necessary, and can it be avoided? But of course it can be avoided! What a waste of time. Dust is human hair and skin wrapped around grease from humans and particulates from the atmosphere. You dust, you put it back into the atmosphere and half an hour later, it is back again. With a new lot to keep it company. Real dust is what we find on a construction site -plaster, cement, particulate, concrete, wood -the list is endless. That has to be removed, but not in ways you would think. It takes the same length of time to wash a surface as it does to dust, and the effect lasts for a week. Think it over when you next pick up your feather duster, and go and have a cup of tea instead. Then throw out your feather duster or use it on the spiders hiding in the lampshades.

BOOKSHELVES

We have thousands of books in our house, and we read them. They get dusty; we get the vacuum cleaner out all along the edges and the tops of the books. You can't wash books. If your house is very damp, then your books are going to attract mold and mildew. To prevent loss of books, which is tantamount to a national calamity (in our house at least) use a dehumidifier.

RIDGE CLEANING

Keep the fridge clean and washed out with detergent, rinse well and deodorise after washing with bicarbonate of soda in the final rinsing water, if needed. Pay particular attention to the rubber seals on the doors.
When you are cleaning out the insides of the fridge, don't forget to clean that patch of floor the fridge is usually standing on, and also the external casings of the fridge. Not just the door.
Keep stored food in containers, and keep these containers clean - inside and out. Do not store cooked food in contact with raw food. This is where most cross-contamination occurs.
Keep the fridge at the manufacturers recommended storage temperature

MOPPING

Download our guide to a perfect mopping technique
Change your water very regularly
Rinse the floor after cleaning
Wash your mop in detergent solution, after use
Keep your mop as dry as you can.
All that black water over the floor, a smelly mop, all the puffing and panting that goes with throwing a heavy mop around, and those are the cleaning companies we have come across. Heaven only knows what the householders are like. And you complain that the floor looks dirty five minutes after?
Use a light cotton mop, so it is easy for you to handle, keep it clean and washed after use, and halve your mopping time by keeping the floor as dry as you can, by wringing it out properly. push your mop, don't drag it.
Just in case you are tempted by flat mops or mops made of any other material other than cotton, these can be expensive, are very heavy to use, and do not produce such a good effect. A cheap cotton mop is as good as anything else on the market.

TOILET AND BATHROOM CLEANING

HOW TO CLEAN CERAMIC TILES AND GROUT

Throw out the cistern blocks and the artificial perfumes, you will not need them.
Wash down the whole of the toilet, including behind the seat, with a proper hard surface detergent in solution and then rinse it off. Then wipe dry with a half damp cloth, now leave it to dry. Wash the bowl by pouring a splash of the neat detergent in the water, and scrubbing with the toilet brush. Now flush the toilet.

DESCALING A TOILET

You will need to descale a toilet about once a month -urine and hard water is a good combination to make scale - that's the staining around the lip of your bowl and this is the stuff that your bleach treatments and anything else you are using is not removing Acid is the only scale remover which is going to work in areas of hard water. Use phosphoric acid or citric acid for preference. Vinegar and anything else you might have read about will not work. So go and buy a proper descaler from a janitorial supplier and keep it to clean the grout and the taps and the shower head as well. Also use this to clean your shower cubicle.
Once your toilet is descaled, all it requires is a daily wash, including a wash around the bowl, as previously shown.

DISINFECTING AND SANITISING -IS IT NECESSARY

No. Toilets do not smell if they are cleaned properly with detergent as we have indicated. Bacterial growth occurs when surface cleaning has not been carried out properly. Surface cleaning will remove almost everything which could cause you problems. Bleaching, and the use of disinfectants will not replace a good clean and descaling because it is the scale and the uncleaned surface soiling which attracts bacteria. So you can try to think you are cleaning when you put a bit of bleach in the
bowl, but in fact you are not. Can't beat a good clean. Get those hands wet.

NOTE WELL: never mix an acid descaler with bleach. Keep them very far apart. We have however seen toilets awash with neat bleach, and others with almost neat coal tar disinfectant, but still dirty, and we mean dirty! Bleach removes scale colour but not the scale, and coal tar disinfectant can be poisonous in heavy quantities. The difference from a cleaned toilet to an uncleaned toilet is easy to see. So before you get sanitisers on the brain, clean the area properly first.
TILE GROUT you can clean grout with the same phosphoric acid descaler you used on your toilet. You may need to leave it on the grout for a time to work, like for example overnight, if you have heavy scale build - up and mold stains. Rinse well and leave to dry. Most grout is dirty, because you haven't rinsed your last lot of detergent out from the tile, and you have used dirty washing water.
Grout should be left to dry, but needs to be dried quickly. Flooring grout can be dried by a mop or with a pass with a wet/dry vacuum cleaner

MOLDS AND MILDEWS - FACTS AND TREATMENT

The difference between molds and mildews - Molds are the source of all your problems indoors and out, mildews are a similar organism but are not the cause of the black growths due to damp conditions. Mildew is a growth affecting plant growth, it is the white powdery dust found on your garden plants after a hot humid summer. Therefore do not get the two mixed up, this article only refers to the mold which grows under the following conditions, inside your building:
Warmth
Humidity over about 50%
A good source of food
Food can be damp wood, materials, painted surfaces, particleboard, any areas where there is damp foodstuffs left lying around, or dirt in areas generally with poor ventilation Molds seem to thrive best on cellulose materials (straw, hay, wood carpet, and they love most of all the paper covering on gypsum based plaster boards, which is why your bathroom looks even worse than it would if it were of just brick construction).
Wetting and water ingress on an untreated basis will grow a good colony of molds in a very short time so get those fixed and leave the area to be dried as soon as possible. Ventilate all areas throughout your home as a matter of course. Molds grow in unventilated areas. Where you have air conditioning and a sealed building, the HVAC system filters must be continually checked and changed. Are yours, when you complain about the air quality in your building? Keep your systems dry and cleaned out.
We have spent many hours cleaning duct covers and it is onlythrough poor maintenance that these are left in the condition that they are. If you have blocked filters, then molds will grow on the dust. Then they get sucked in through the system and straight into the air that you breathe. Open windows if you can.

MOLD REMEDIATION:

Clean more often, more thoroughly.
Change filters to HEPA - type
Keep the area as dry as possible.
Fix water leaks
Ventilate as much as possible
Heavy infestation is seen as brown or black patches on the affected area. You may not be able to smell mold infestation so do not assume that in a very wet area you will not have mold growth.
Once the area is dried out, the following can be used to remove mold:
Propionic acid as a constituent of a proprietary mold remover. This is the most effective mold remover and is perfectly safe for use.
Bleach and hypochlorite is not really effective at all, and is not safe to use in large concentrations, nor with any other chemical
Borax and borates can be effective -borax is already in regular use as a wood fungicide, but will not remove the staining from molds - phosphoric acid can do this in preference to bleach. Heavy stainingcan be covered by painting but only when the area is dried thoroughly.

MOLD PREVENTION

Mold causes 'farmers lung' but you should never get this disease from your house, nor will you need your house pulled down! Your mold infestation will never be that great unless you have a building which is severely damaged by damp. It can happen. Help yourself, though by using a dehumidifier if you do have to live in damp conditions, and always use one after water damage through flooding.
Cleaning surfaces properly is probably the most effective way of surface mold prevention.

AFTER CARPET CLEANING AND FLOODING

Your carpets will harbour mold if they are not dried properly after cleaning. So open all the windows and ventilate the room properly while drying. A good carpet cleaning system will dry the carpets up to 90% dry and the carpet should be completely dry within 1 - 2 hours. Vacuum cleaning with clean filters will finish the cleaning process when the carpet is dry. Then you could use a dehumidifier, if you think there is a high level of humidity remaining. It can happen, even in the driest areas. Flooding, followed by carpet restoration in which we wash the wet carpet, naturally means the whole area has to be dried quickly, and this is done by a dehumidifier. Never put a rubber - backed mat onto a drying carpet - mold will quickly develop underneath it, and then penetrate the whole carpet.

POOR INDOOR AIR QUALITY

If you have unexplained symptoms of breathing problems and general low levels of unwellness then first thoroughly clean your house, change the filters to your ducting and air conditioning unit and vacuum the carpets well with cleaned filters. Open the windows and let fresh air in to the house. Often this is all that is needed.
Many factors can contribute to poor air quality - toxic fumes from carpets, furniture, some solvents, artificial deodorisers, spray polish so do not assume that mold infestation is present unless you can see that you have long standing water staining in the same area, or you have had recent flooding.
Your house will feel damp and may have a background smell.

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR CELLAR OR BASEMENT

If you have a cellar, then check that - these are favourite places for mold infestation since they are frequently damp or flooded. The cellar will need treatment - do not expect to treat the rest of the house and leave the cellar! You will find fabrics paper and cardboard stored in cellars always to contain patches of molds, so consider leaving a cellar empty.

STAINLESS STEEL AND OTHER METAL CLEANING

CAST IRON PANS

Cast iron pans are the best cooking pans out there, but most people are put off by the rust which appears after washing. Cast iron, which never wears out, should be dried over heat after washing and then dressed while still hot, with oil you use for cooking with. If they go rusty after this, you have dressed them when cold. Keep the oiled pan as warm as you can for as long as you can. Result-no rust. you do not need to wash the pan before use, but you must always dress it after use.

HOW TO CLEAN STAINLESS STEEL

In response to the real need to keep this clean without doing any damage to it - here is how you clean stainless steel.
Stainless steel is not stainless and it can be easily damaged especially when new, by acids, bleach and metal scouring pads - we know of an entire, brand new commercial kitchen which was ruined by metal scouring pads and bleach.
You clean stainless steel by leaving it to soak to remove the grease and the burnt bits in a degreaser - 2% caustic soda for preference which does not damage the steel.. You wash this off. You wash it again in a hard surface cleaner solution and this is rinsed off enough times so that the steel is clean and grease - free. Now dry the steel using paper or a clean cloth. It dries to a dull, sometimes smeared finish.
Dress the dry steel with oil - baby oil can be used, but if you can get it use food grade mineral oil. It shines and looks good.
There is only one scouring pad to use on steel and that is specific to stainless steel. Everything else scratches it, and any use of metal scouring pads or steel wool will result in a scratched surface with rust stains developing on the damaged areas.
Stainless steel can be steam cleaned, but you will still need to use a detergent soak to loosen the grease before steam cleaning.
Restore stainless steel with a very dilute solution of phosphoric acid detergent, rinse well and dry.

ALUMINIUM

A soft metal, but it cleans easily, so you can and no doubt do, use scouring pads on it. What you cannot use on it is a caustic detergent. It reacts with it and you will find that your nice aluminium turns black and pitted. So soak your greasy pans in detergent solution, rinse well and dry quickly. Aluminium which is left to dry tends to leave water marks. Restore aluminium either with a specialist aluminium cleaner (the use of which is not recommended for general use) or use a very dilute solution of phosphoric acid detergent and a metal scouring pad.

COPPER, BRASS, BRONZE

Clean by salt and lemon juice as a paste. Rinse it off, dry, and then polish the metal by rubbing with newspaper.

SILVER AND PEWTER

Clean with lemon juice and salt.
For heavily tarnished metals, use proprietary wadding specific for the metal. The salt and lemon juice treatment maintains an already clean appearance. The alternative cleaner for copper, brass and bronze is the phosphoric acid detergent, but be aware that acids will sometimes damage an old plated surface, so if your cleaned surface shows pitting and looks irregular in appearance then the plate itself is worn. Copper, brass and bronze are not damaged by fine grade steel wool, but care should be taken if using this.

CHROMIUM AND NICKEL

Clean with a neutral detergent, rinse well and then buffed with a soft lint-free cloth until dry. These metals are usually, but not always, found as plated and any wear in the plating will show up quickly.
After washing, the base metal will start to rust if not dried quickly. Acid restoration is not always that effective on these metals.


WINDOW CLEANING

Get professional with this one and buy the proper equipment - the squeegee especially. You will not clean windows properly without much hard work, otherwise. You wash windows with washing-up liquid solution, and squeegee the window dry. Then you wash the frame and sill and dry with a wrung - out cloth. Work on the upstairs windows before you clean downstairs. Drips and all that.

STAINS ON GLASS

Are there, because of a broken gutter or other source of dripping water over the glass. Now you have a problem. Hard water stains will remove with a wash with your acid toilet cleaner or kettle descaler (phosphoric acid for preference) but you have to be very quick with this treatment, so as not to leave the acid on the glass. If the staining is old, then this will be embedded in the glass and you won’t be able to clean it. We've done our bit on glass, several centuries old, and believe me, acid etched glass, dating from 14 century cannot be repaired. All those winds, all that sulphur...........
Try to keep running water off glass, and also a continuous source of heat, such as extractor fans. Vinegar cleans glass quite well, but only if it is not too dirty. It will not clean grease and oil off glass. Neither will ammonia which is the world's worse cleaning solution.
To polish glass when dried, rub it with an old newspaper - the silicones in the printing ink will put a very slight protective layer over the glass. We, a professional cleaning business, use this to clean ornate, engraved and antique glass and the difficult glass of a building site. It looks lovely afterwards.

BLIND CLEANING

For those of washable fabric:
Take the blind down and put it into the bath tub which will have a solution of water and your good hard surface detergent, in it.
Now leave the blind to soak for a while - overnight would help. Rinse the blind with ashower head of water. This pressure will remove the dirt off the blind without you needing to scrub.
Drain off the blind and replace in the window. If you do not think your blinds will accept this treatment, then leave them and treat as wooden blinds.
NOTE WELL: give the windows a clean while your blinds are in soak Venetian type and other metal or plastic blinds can be treated the same way but must be well dried before re-hanging. Wooden blinds should not be soaked, but can be washed with your hard surface detergent in solution, and then rinsed, by wiping over the slats with a cloth.

JEWELLERY CLEANING

Most jewellery is fragile so be careful with it. If it won't clean with washing up liquid solution, then don't bother. Just wearing jewellery puts a shine on it. Pearls and opals are more delicate than anything else - pearls are best left alone and rejoice in the patina they acquire from your skin. Opals are a water - based stone, and should not be attempted to be cleaned - ever. Many other types of semi - precious stones will react with any cleaning solutions. Acids will almost certainly damage any stone so beware of using lemon juice or vinegar, and heavy alkalis likewise. So take advice from a jeweller if you are at all worried.

ULTRASONIC CLEANING

This is the way to clean those small delicate components, but do not use it for your jewellery. For blinds and chandeliers, ultrasonic cleaning is superb. Its action is by sound waves passing through a detergent solution (which is specially formulated for this process) and this causes bubbles throughout the solution.
This is the cleaning action - called cavitation - and it is vigorous. So very delicate articles and surfaces can be easily damaged and that is why your jewellery may be damaged.