Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm. Richard Hayden: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
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Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard Hayden: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too, all right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
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[Tommy sees a pretty woman. Richard is watching from his window]
Richard Hayden: Scram Tommy. Don't give her the weight room thing.
[Tommy approaches her acting muscular and buff]
Tommy: Do you know where the weight room is? I'll check it out.
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Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: [laughs] Why?
[last lines]
Tommy: Oh, that's gonna leave a mark!
Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a Goddamn bridge abutment!
Tommy: Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
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Boardroom Woman: Whores running around, doing their little behind-shake for the men folk...
Richard Hayden: I kinda like her idea.
Boardroom Man: For Christ's sake. Once during the war I visited a prostitute, and my life has been a living hell ever since.
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Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
[chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing too]
Ted Nelson, Customer: [impatiently] What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's...
Tommy, Richard Hayden: ...What?
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