Coming Out and Self-Acceptance

Good news, gentle readers. Tonight I managed to coerce myself into painting for an hour. This required bribing myself with a large chai tea latte (current luxury drink of choice). Unfortunately, I found that I did not clean up thoroughly after the last painting session so had to spend more time de-gunkifying solvent wells than painting. It's so hard to throw out supplies that I spent good money on! I don't know what stymied me, but I hate that I have no motivation to paint and haven't forced myself to (except for today).

This brings me to my next point: I am too hard on myself. My therapist asked my why I am so critical of myself and I thought, (but did not say) 'if I don't criticize myself, who will?' And that was a revelation! It's like deciding that you are beautiful - when you do, it becomes real - because objective external evaluation doesn't really exist. And no one cares nearly as much about my flaws as I do, probably.

However, I know I worry about some of my friends' flaws more than they do. Like when I was in California and so many people I knew were on drugs, I cared more about their use than they did. And when I see friends who have gained weight to the extent that their health is endangered, or need an exfoliating mask, or who are to marry a less than wonderful person, I care very deeply and try to pray about it. For ideally, one does not give advice unless asked. (Something else I do that I wish I didn't) And really, when something about another person bothers you, it's usually because you see that reflected in yourself. For example, the fat tourists who wear sweatshirts tied around their waist and slowly walk three abreast on the sidewalk annoy me to tears, but that's really because I don't want to be slow-walking and overweight. I should really focus on the positive which is that those tourists have friends to travel with and the time and money to do so. Yay fat tourists!

There are a lot of things I do that other people don't like. Such as, I bite my nails, crack my knuckles, make hocking noises when I spit out toothpaste, hand out altoids, procrastinate, send lots of text messages instead of calling, leave wet tea leaves in the tea pot, don't speak Spanish, don't watch all the Cubs games, wear monochrome button down shirts, drink a lot of wine, leave the cabinet doors open, gobble hors d'oeuvres, put my fingers in my mouth, date people who aren't that into me, date people I'm not that into, won't take public transportation after 10 p.m., talk like a hood rat with my sister, have lots of non-serious medical problems which I then discuss with others, only eat food other people cooked, aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnd refuse to stay at the club past 12:45 a.m. I'm sure there are many more.

So I am coming out as a flawed person, who earnestly tries to do better but can't live up to her own exacting standard.