Best TV Quotes: SNL 'Rock of Love' parody

Bret (Jason Sudekis): (to the camera) This has been the toughest season ever in the two seasons of Rock of Love. I'm just having a devil of a time deciding which one of these smoking hot hotties is my one true love and sex mate. You know, it's days like this that I wish I wasn't Bret Michaels, but I am. So I'm doing what any regular guy would do to find love: have VH1 fill a McMansion in Racita with dicey strippers, put 'em in bikinis and have them smash dirt bikes into each other. What can I say, I'm a romantic.

(Peyton (Kristen Wiig), Christy Jo and Daisy (Tina Fey) are lined up on a platform for elimination.)

Bret: Ladies, this has been a long road, you are all amazing women. One of you has to go home tonight because (sings) Every rose has its thorn...

Daisy: (interview) When I first met Bret I was like, "oh my god, he's the man of my dreams" and I was like "I hope he picks me," and then I was like, "did someone slip something in my drink?" Then I was like, "where am I?" and I was like, "oh yea, we're at Bret's house." (drools champagne on herself)

Bret: (warbles) Just like every night has its dawn....

Peyton: (interview) I'm just getting really scared because Bret and I aren't connecting and that's because Bret and I haven't had enough face time. The only time we did get face time, I tried to kiss him and he pushed my face away. And that guy will make out with anything. One time I saw him make out with a pair of sweat pants. Face time!

Bret: (warbles) Just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song. Every rose has its thorn.

(Amy Poehler hops in)Amber: Yea yea, I'm late. I'm late, who cares. I'm also hot and I'm rockin' one leg, jealous?

Amber: (interview) Here's why I'm gonna win Bret's heart: I can do the worm, I've served jail time, I got mad skin tags, and I'm rockin' one leg, bro! So which one of you bitches is coming in second?

Bret: I've got four beautiful ladies up here and I only got three passes so - (Amber throws something at him) - Hey what was that?
Amber: What, are you blind? It was a chicken McNugget!
Bret: Now Amber, why would you do that?
Amber: Cause I need attention!
Bret: Amber, I gotta tell you, I just can't figure you out.
Amber: Good, I don't wanna be figured out.
Bret: You're very complicated.
Amber: You're very complicated.
Bret: And you've only got one leg...
Amber: Dooooiiiii!
Bret: ...which I've gotta say, I find a little sexy.
Amber: Yea, I know you do.

Christy Jo: (gasping with emotion) I just want to say that I am here for you, Bret!
Daisy: (looks around, surprised) Oh my God, I'm at Bret's house.
Peyton: I just need some face time! (Bret looks disgusted)

Bret: Okay, Big John, can I have the first pass please?
Big John: You got it, Bret Michaels.

Bret: Christy Jo, will you come down here please?
(Christy Jo makes gasping noises)
Bret: Christy Jo, do you promise to stay in this house and continue to rock my world?
Christy Jo: Oh my god, of course, I am so (chokes) here (sobs) for (gasps) you!
Bret: But remember what I told you - I need to get to know the inside of your mouth better.
Christy Jo: (takes mental notes) Okay. okay.
(They slobber and make out)
Bret: Yea, yea.

Bret: Big John, can I have the next pass please?
Big John: Got it right here, Bret Michaels.
Bret: Thank you, Big John

Bret: Peyton, will you come down here please?
Peyton: Face time!
Bret: Alright, here's your pass. Now look, I need to pick three people this week, so you're staying, but I can't reiterate enough how unattracted I am to you. (Peyton leans in to kiss, Bret pushes her face away) No, no.
Peyton: Face time!

Bret: Alright, I've only got one pass left.
Amber: Good, I've only got one leg left.
Bret: Big John.
Big John: (hands him the last pass) Bret Michaels.

Bret: Daisy, will you come down here please?
Bret: Daisy...
Daisy: Yaaaa?
Bret: Daisy, I uh..(Daisy lifts hand to his hair) No no no don't, trust me.
Bret: Look, Daisy, will you stay in this house and continue to rock my world?
Daisy: Oh my god, yaaa, I love you Bret more than anything yaaa (indistinct verbalizing)
(They kiss in nippy way)
Bret: That was good, real good. Felt good, looked good.
Bret: Okay, that was good. Amber, I'm afraid that means your tour ends here.
Amber: Good.
Bret: Will you come down here please?
Amber: Fine, I was going that way anyway. (Farts her way down the steps)
Bret: (in disbelief) Sorry, Amber, are you farting?
Amber: Yea, I farted. Jealous?
Bret: Am I jealous that you're farting? (farts some more) Amber, it's time for you to go.
Amber: Yea, I know it's time for me to go 'cause I'm late. I got a million shows lined up that I'm gonna go hop on over to find love: I love New York, Flavor of Love, Celebrity Rehab, Scott Baio is 50, Tim Gunn, Dog Whisperer, Perfect Shot, Real Housewives, How Clean Is Your House, and Cash Caaaaaaab. Cause you know who's got two thumbs, one leg, and the skills to pay the bills? This guy! Yea booooi! (Falls over)
--
The end.

I transcribed this skit myself (I'd like to thank the Academy and the rewind button on Tivo.) Having watched a lot of the real Rock of Love 2, I am highly amused by how accurate this SNL parody is. Rock of Love was so silly, fake, and exploitative of everyone on it, and yet, like a multiple car crash on the highway, you couldn't look away.