Pregnant with Wedding Envy

My friend is pregnant and I am totally jealous.
You get so much attention when you are pregnant and everybody loves you.

You are your boyfriend/husband's primary concern.

People throw showers for you.

You get to pick out birth announcement stationery.

And names.

You get to eat and sleep a lot. And be fussed over.

You don't have to work full-time. (if your partner is rich enough)

My bra is too tight and my stomach has been upset all day. Was it Monday, my skirt being too tight? or was the jealousy eating my stomach lining? At any rate, I felt really beat today, so I found an empty committee room and took a nap. Felt awesome. Then I had to return to my desk and feel deadened by my job. ugh.

I super want to get married. It's a terrible desire when you have no money and a boyfriend of only a few months who is younger than you and has no expectation to propose.

Another high school friend was married yesterday.

Wish I had some witty line to insert somewhere, such as "I like to picture Jesus like a mischievous badger."

By the way, Cold Case Files was really good today. It was the episode about the serial rapist who asks to be put away for life.

I'm also pissed because I've gained 3-4 lbs in the past month or so. I'm betting 50% of is is a direct result of my newfound penchant for homemade cookies with my coffee in the morning (and the afternoon, evening, night). Or it could be that I've stopped exercising...Well I never really exercised. I did have a free gym membership for a week. And then I walked more before the blizzard and nasty weather set in. I have the Cherry Blossom 5k to run in a month. Fortunately, today I kicked myself into sending in the application for the AOC Fitness Center. Agh. Time for more wine.

Thoughts

I often think about this blog and feel guilty for abandoning it. One should always finish what one starts!
The place where I work has expressly forbidden its employees to blog about the office, so that takes away a great topic of conversation. And somehow writing about going to Marshalls just isn't exciting. I did, however, finally get to Sticky Fingers Bakery. Their carrot cake cupcake was DELICIOUS and I couldn't tell that it was vegan at all.
I spent a lot of time outside today. I walked to the bakery and back (2-3 miles), ran to DuPont Circle this morning because I was terribly late to proctor tests, walked to the circle again this evening.
I've been reading "Appointment in Samara" by John O'Hara. Its setting is similar to the early novels of F. Scott Fitzgerald. (My favorite author, with Edith Wharton and Margaret Atwood.)
Last night I watched "Revolutionary Road" which is a quietly devastating film. I had sympathy for Leonardo DiCaprio's character - a boy trying to figure out how to be a man/husband and father. Kate Winslet's character, April, the wife of Frank Wheeler, was less sympathetic. She really was a drama queen and pushing her husband to be whom she wanted  to be herself. It was all rather odd. And deeply sad. I like the Mad Men look of the film, though.
Tonight I also talked to a former lover, which was nice and melancholic at the same time. We've been through so much together - put each other through so much! - and now we are like combat buddies. Time and distance has cleared away the relationship debris (what a furious storm it was at times) and I can look back with calm and some nostalgia. I was so happy when he would let me be.
Enough about all that! What an odd place for my mind to go at this late hour. I must be very tired.

Since I'm not going to be dramatic in person...

Why doesn't he wear a wedding ring? Why did he not tell me he is married until I asked a month after we met? Why did he do all those exceptional things for me? It doesn't make any sense. Why did he talk about how much he loves his wife and children the whole time? agh!!!!!!!!

A New Vegan?

So I was reading "Skinny Bitch" which I finally broke down and paid for (discount through Amazon of course! So much for supporting local Kramerbooks). And it details the meat and poultry industry in a way that turns your stomach. Reading the history of the dairy movement and how it's really not designed for human bodies, and thus we have trouble digesting it, brought back the words of my dermatologist who suggested that I might have a dairy allergy. Last December I had tried to replace milk with soy milk on my morning cereal but found that I'd rather have rosacea than do that.
Finally, this morning I managed to break out of my denial and lethargy, went to Whole Foods, bought a different brand of soy milk. Had it on my granola, didn't taste super good but it was also warm and I'm used to cold milk. Anyway, I'm going to have to cut out cheese (which apparently is designed to make us crave it like little crack addicts), and eggs.
To this Herculean task I raise a glass. I told myself that if I can eat dairy free for a week then I will reward myself with Bloom lip gloss ($20) which I love love love.
As luck would have it, I found a store that carries Bloom on my walk this afternoon. I've run across only one other store that carries it, in Chicago, and they stopped a year ago. It seems to be fate!
Alright, I will keep you apprised of my challenges and success.
On another note, I think about boys too much.
I had the idea today, what if I had not called and pursued the young man who became my boyfriend my freshman year of college? Would my college life have been easier?
Enough for tonight.

Cry me a river, bankers.

Hey folks,
I've been so caught up in the whirlwind of Washington DC that I have ignored my blog. Unfortunately for me, we are absolutely forbidden to blog at work (above all other things that we could do on the internet) so I have to wait until I come home. By then I'm either tipsy or exhausted and it doesn't happen. Fortunately, I just had to get rid of my cable because I couldn't afford it, so I will have more free time on my hands. When I was paying an exorbitant amount for cable I felt that I ought to be watching it all the time.
Lots of bankers from JP Morgan Chase, Citibank, and Smith Barney called the office today crying aobut the possible loss of their bonuses if the Senate approves S. 651 (HR. 1586). "It will ruin my life!" one man wailed. I told him that losing a loved one would ruin his life, but losing his bonus would merely alter it significantly. He agreed.
So many of the people were whining as if their bubble of privilege had never been pricked. It was amusing, and hard to grasp. One person couldn't understand why my boss would vote for the tax on bonuses and he was a political science major. It was utterly bizarre.
Okay I'm exhausted. That's all for now. Must pick out an outfit for tomorrow and floss my teeth. In that order.

PS - I added the picture of the flowers because I love orchids. There was a room dedicated to them at the National Botanic Gardens.

RIP Paul

From left to right: Leon, Hugh, Dwight, Donna, Coloma and Paul Glenn. c. 1918


Paul Stanley Glenn died this morning at 5:35 a.m. He was 95 years old - so he had as long a life as anyone can ask for. He was in a lot of pain, though and it sounds like death did not come easily.
I will miss him. I will miss his link to the past - he is the last of the generation that saw two world wars, the Great Depression, the Dust Bowl, and the decimation of hegemonic white patriarchy. Apparently, he was rather cantankerous and gave his wife a hard time. I remember him as a jeweler (and I loved jewelry!), an old man with a big heart for his grand-nieces, and a gardener/apiarist.
I just feel so sad. I wish I could go to the funeral. He and my grandma were close and whenever I visited her (which I did at least once a year) we would usually visit Paul and Margaret in their home in Golden, CO. He is another lost link to my grandmother. sigh.
The funeral will be next Saturday. I send my love out into the universe, hopefully it will reach him somewhere. Hopefully he is near my grandmother now.

Inauguration Notes, or "Defrost me, please"

I was one of the 2 million people at our nation's Capitol today to celebrate the inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama. It was thrilling, freezing, crowded, exciting, and uncomfortable. I could go on and on about my discomfort - waiting 2 hours in line, freezing despite multiple layers and boots, frightening, pushing crowds, fearsome toilets (unused by me), and the overwhelming feeling of - whoa I think I just saw my hat on the replay on C-SPAN! Anyway, this day was not about me, so I'll move on to something else.

I thought the ceremony was great because it was simple, short but not too short, with poetry and music incorporated, and prayer. While more faith-inclusive prayers would have been nice (maybe a reading by a Rabbi?) I thought the words were humbling and guiding. While the mild boos of the crowd indicated the controversy surrounding the choice of Rev. Rick Warren, of the Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, Calif., to give the convocation, I judge his words not his character.

The performance by Itzhak Perlman (Violin), Yo-Yo Ma (Cello), Gabriela Montero (Piano), Anthony McGill (Clarinet) was incredible! So beautiful and appropriate for the occasion. I think Christina Aguilera could have done a better job of singing "My Country Tis of Thee" but Aretha Franklin has the legacy if not the voice anymore. The poem read and written by Elizabeth Alexander was not as good as Robert Frost's "The Gift Outright" read at JFK's inaugural, but I did like these lines:
Some live by "Love thy neighbor as thy self."

Others by first do no harm, or take no more than you need.

Beautiful, simple and true. I do think most poets lack the performance skills to be the best readers of their poetry.

The benediction by Rev. Joseph Lowry was really hard to hear, but he is 87. I had a really moving encounter on my walk home. As I was waiting to cross 14th street, I chatted with an elderly man with a walker. I noticed that he wore a cap that said "Tuskegee Airman" and I felt the significance of the moment for him, and for history. He symbolized the change in America - from a time when the armed forces were segregated (how is that possible?) to the realization of the dream of racial equality. I couldn't understand much of what he said because he didn't have teeth, but I saw him smile and talk about the cold. Good Lord, a ninety-year-old man braving the cold, alone, to witness the parade or the inauguration. It speaks volumes. That was a moment of grace for me - when I could see outside my pain and discomfort and witness the truth unadulterated by tv cameras and pat phrases. If I hadn't had to walk home because of the insanely crowded metro, then I wouldn't have met him. We slowly crossed the street together and then wished each other adieu.

I'm really jealous that I can't go to an inaugural ball.

I was so cold that I may have nodded off during Obama's address.

It was really cool that Justice John Paul Stevens administered the oath of office to Vice-President Biden. He is my hero. If I were being inducted I would want JPS to do it.

Who else thinks that Beau Biden is hot? Me too.

ps - for those not in the know, the Tuskegee Airmen were a segregated unit of 1,000 African-American pilots and crew trained to fight in World War II. All 330 airmen were invited to the inauguration by Senator Dianne Feinstein. (Rock on, Dianne!) I salute the Tuskegee Airmen and all the members of the armed services, living and dead, who fought for our country.

Leaving town

I'm leaving town in a week and it's rather overwhelming!

I need a glass of wine.

I need a glass of wine. Preferably cabernet sauvignon, pinot noir or malbec. None of that white grape juice stuff for me.

Ps - How funny is it that Governor Blagojevich won't resign?
pps - It's awesome that I know how to spell his last name, right?

I love this picture from the episode of Absolutely Fabulous where Edina and Patsy go to France.

More medication, please.

Hey y'all, I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but it isn't because I didn't want to!
I have been super busy - applying to jobs in Washington, DC, taking an LSAT class, working my other jobs, going to holiday and birthday parties, etc. Present shopping took about a week but I finished that by December 7th.

I'm making more money and have new health insurance but for some reason I have less money than before. It sucks. I'm feeling the trickle-down recession because fewer people hire me to babysit.
Other than that, I'm doing pretty well. As my aunt says, "better living through chemistry." Maybe she actually said "why suffer if you can feel better?" but the sentiment is the same.

I see no point in getting with someone new since I'm leaving (probably) and don't have time for a relationship (definitely) and don't want to get anyone's expectations up (regrettable consequence). Unfortunately most of my ex-boyfriends are in California or we are not on speaking terms. I do forgive and forget pretty quickly. Mostly forget.

Then I remembered my credo: "If you build it, they will come." It worked all the time in college. If I wanted to have a sleepover some weekend, I would shave my legs, show some skin, apply make-up, perfume, clean up the dorm  room, open some wine, put candles out, play music ...92% success rate. So to that end, I have made a new playlist and keep my nails looking nice. Tidying this garden is going to take a while.

I will report back. Maybe this weekend. In the meantime, more medication, please.

This is Water

Many times during the past few days, as I scramble through life's peaks and valleys, I've thought, "I need to read David Foster Wallace's speech, I need to read David Foster Wallace's speech, don't forget to look that up next time you are at the computer," and today I actually remembered. It's his 2005 Commencement Address at Kenyon College.

DFW talks about the true value of a liberal arts education: that it teaches us how to think, but not in the cliched way we have heard. It means we can choose whether our thoughts wander through the "default setting" or whether we construct meaning.

From what I've gleaned, the default setting is the state of mind where you see yourself as the center of the universe with little care and awareness for how others see the world. You become blind from "interpret[ing] everything through this lens of self." The default mode is letting our thoughts run like water, day after day, into the same channels making the grooves deeper and deeper until we are hopelessly locked in to routine.

It is about worshipping the false gods with which "the man" distracts us. It is believing that our "immediate needs and feelings are what should determine the world's priorities." And when you are not in default mode, when you are free, then you can choose how you see the world, you can be aware of the present, decide what is meaningful, be "well-adjusted" as he says, and choosing to keep your ethics in the front of your mind. Constant awareness of what is real and essential. In that way you can avoid a midlife crisis!

DFW says that freedom is about "being able to truly care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day." (God, he is good with words.)

David Foster Wallace, I am guilty as charged (although you are not speaking to me, since I am not the center of the universe).

I wander through the world vexed by petty frustrations, crabby, certain that life is challenging only for me, that my needs trump everyone else's, that everyone should do what I want them to do - not because I know what is best for them - but because I want it. I bear grudges toward those who have hurt me, sigh loudly when people ask me to do things that I don't want to do, refuse to take "no" for an answer.

I have one spot that I am proud of: I really try to make life easier for my mother. A few months ago, I dreamt that she died and I regretted every time I had laughed at her or not done the dishes. And I will, if I let myself behave like that. So, I grit my teeth when she drives slowly. I unload the dishwasher when I get home and clean out the coffee grounds from the filter. I close the cabinets in the kitchen because open cupboards drive her nuts. I spend time with her and paint her nails. The only things I don't do are cook, drive safely, and approve of her conservation of the wine supply.

But really, I focus on myself. I want to see my 2006 ex-boyfriend because I want attention and love, not because I want him to feel attention and love. Wanting to hear from another ex that he misses me enough to want to be a proper boyfriend, but not because I really miss him, but rather to feed my vanity (and give me attention and a cuddle). Utterly selfish. (Not that being self-sacrificing with some of the men I have dated makes them give me love and attention)

I rely on heuristics to judge people and places instead of letting experience guide me. Sometimes I use "retarded" to mean "stupid" and I know that is hurtful. Though I do not use "gay" to mean "stupid." I talk about doing more to help the needy this winter, but I haven't picked up a gift basket assignment from church. I can do better, and until I read this, I thought I was doing the best I could. I was running on default.

Today I was sitting at my desk feeling sorry for myself about how much I have to work to earn the little money I have, and I realized that I am ridiculous. Not just because I have so much to be thankful for (home, clothing, family, friends, urban life, a job), but because everyone has worries. My problems are normal and surmountable.

High Heel Boots

Hello Friends,
While my ankle is healing well, I haven't put on a pair of stilettos in weeks. (A sprained ankle is a proper, wonderful excuse not to exercise.) The cold weather forced me to pull out my black ankle boots with thick heels that are about 2-3 inches. So far no problems and I've enjoyed the extra height. It's kind of fun to look down at people (most rude to say, I know). Walking in the boots worked my calves, so that was cool. No reaction from other people of course.
I haven't gone outside yet today. Not that I am deterred by the weather! True Chicagoans never are...(we wish). My Mom is sick with a cold today so I stayed home to take care of her. It's hard to be her nurse because taking care of others is so deeply engrained in her that I had to force her to rest in bed.
Valerie by Amy Winehouse is a great song. Just throwing that out there.

Dr. Alex Karev can give me the Syph anytime

I'm watching Grey's Anatomy for the first time in about two years and I see Alex Karev holding Izzy and I swear my heartbeat shot up and my breath got faster. Wow. I forgot what pure desire feels like. Goddamn. I mean, wow. Sarcastic demeanor, built shoulders, emotionally unavailable, explosive, passionate - winning combination for me. I'm kind of out of words since everything on me is sweating. Damn. I'm gonna start watching this show again with the sound turned off.

Busyness

Hello All,

Here are some more inconsequential stories from my daily life. (Wouldn't my blog be more interesting if I wrote about funny stuff?)
So, I was asked to semi-housesit for a neighbor, to keep their cat company. I thought I would have plenty of time to go over to their well-appointed home to hang out and cuddle the cat (to which I am only a little allergic), but it turns out that I work at night a lot! I haven't really paid that much attention because this is my life: working small jobs, babysitting, proctoring, etc. But then, I was at Cosi ordering a salad before proctoring on Wednesday night and the man who makes the sandwiches and salads said that my eyes looked tired! He asked if I worked a lot and I said "yes, I was about to go to my second job of the day" and he asked how many I work and I thought...."three?" I asked how many he worked and he said just the one at Cosi. The older man with the crap job in food services was pitying me! Can you believe such a thing?
I'm trying to get myself over to the neighbor's house to spend some time with the ancient cat. But first I want to relate another story.
Gosh I'm sleepy.
Okay, back to the point. I've noticed a big problem with internet fueled dating and flirting, at least for me. I will talk to a person and be all nice and involved and forget to look at their picture - or if I do, I hope that it isn't representative. Then I see the person face-to-face and have to be like, "oh actually I don't feel any chemistry," without adding "because you are heinously unattractive in real life." And then the man is all confused, because actually his photo was representative and I had just chosen to hope for the best. So then I feel guilty about that. Oh well.
I'm actually on a hiatus from men right now because I got to figure out how to get my self to Washington DC and get a job on Capitol Hill. Fingers crossed on that one.
Okay tut tut everyone. Til next time!

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

HOORAY! SENATOR BARACK OBAMA IS ELECTED PRESIDENT, TONIGHT, NOVEMBER 4, 2008. THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT IN 21ST CENTURY AMERICAN HISTORY. MY PRIDE AND JOY IS UNSPEAKABLE. I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS HAPPY IN THREE YEARS. YES WE CAN AND YES WE DID!

Knickerbocker Hotel Wedding

So last Saturday I went to my friend's wedding at the Knickerbocker Hotel. It was textbook elegant and glamorous. The service was very lovely, with some prayers. And there were 9 groomsmen to 6 bridesmaids! Sadly, most of the men there were married, so it was slim pickins for me. However, this man sitting next to me paid me dozens of compliments, although it became kind of creepy and weird when he suggested a long distance relationship. Enough said.

The glorious part was I had the most beautiful dress in the world. Given, it is the most beautiful, luxurious, gorgeous dress for a woman of my body type and coloring. The saleslady at Neiman Marcus said that everyone who tries on this dress buys it, and to be sure, when I tried it on, I fell in love. I was hit with a big one: pure silk, deep violet color, gorgeous flowers on the sleeve, elegant draping fit....it was meant to be. It's exorbitant cost was split by my Mother and me; I am to pay her back in three monthly installments of $100. I have never owned anything this expensive, except perhaps for a string of pearls that my parents gave me for high school graduation, and maybe the sapphire ring I received for college graduation. Anyway, I had a great time at the wedding. And I loved my dress. AND managed not to spill anything on it!

Catching up with old boyfriends

Maybe it's the cold air and the need to huddle up to something warm (like memories, or me), but I have been receiving information about old boyfriends recently. Which is rather disturbing.

For one, I learned that the father of an ex died nine months ago. Which is pretty sad. However, I can't bring myself to offer my condolences because then the ex might think he has permission to contact me, which he does not. So I will offer the condolences to the universe. I'm sorry for your loss, ex-and-family!

Secondly, I received a long email from another ex - the kind of epistle that you have no idea how to begin respond to.And! I have found my thoughts returning to a three times removed (a/k/a three boyfriends ago. I think three. It may have been more.). Anyway, while I know I would never be happy with this man, "sometimes I find myself sitting back and reminiscing, especially when I have to watch other people kissing..." (Lily Allen, "Littlest Things")

On another note, I feel so bad for Jennifer Hudson and the Hudson-King family. I can't believe the little boy, Julian King, was shot. What kind of barbaric world is this where a child is kidnapped and shot? And the most disheartening part is that no one would care about this family in Englewood, Chicago, if they weren't related to someone famous. I think eleven children who go to the Chicago Public Schools have been shot since school start two months ago. Eleven children! Gun violence must stop.

The founding fathers who wrote the second amendment had no premonition of the semi-automatic weapon. If the second amendment were limited to muskets and other 18th century arms, then it would be a lot better than the current interpretation. Taking the Constitution literally is like taking the Bible literally: both documents condone slavery and archaic social mores. They are templates, people! Meant to be adapted to modern times! agh!

So the world looks like a pretty dire place right now. I think we will all heave a huge sigh of relief when Obama is elected in a week. I am pretty sure that Obama is the second Messiah. Please God let him be elected, and not assassinated!

Oh no! Flat shoes

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,
I will be resigned to flat shoes for the next three weeks until my ankle heals. Coming out of a Boston-area bar last Sunday night I fell into a depression next to a curb and twisted my ankle. It is sore, swollen and blue. pretty. I went to the doctor today who told me "no high heels", "no dancing" and to stay off of it "as much as possible." I am going to a wedding on Saturday so that doesn't really work for me. Oh well.
I had a great trip to Boston. (Made a big fall! haha) I saw old friends, met new friends, parlayed with sisters and relatives. Walked around the Back Bay area a great deal.
More later

Shoes

So Ladies and Gentleman,
I know I haven't written the past couple days but that is because the preparation for my new job (!!!) kept me busy.
Shoe update: Apparently the gold Laundry stillettos I wore on Friday made an impression on several people because the next day my doorman asked me why I looked so pretty yesterday, and the doorman of the building down the block introduced himself to me and said I had looked pretty yesterday too. Apparently he sees me "everyday walking by in a hurry and real intent on something." haha that was funny. True I suppose, because often I'm a bit late.
Saturday I wore the Guess black leather pointy-toe slingbacks and was chided for being "tall." I wrapped a band-aid around the sore pinky toe, which helped a lot!
Sunday I wore the Linea Paolo red alligator print open-toe pumps with my long, gray, skinny jeans and they looked well, I thought.
Did anyone see "The Office" last Thursday? I thought it was hilarious!
All for now. Mmmm I love cereal.

Stilettos and Coffee

Day two of walking on over-pressured points. I have blisters on both little toes and one big toe (yech) and walking around in socks and gym shoes made the wee toes ache. So I'm going to venture forth in some new heels and get coffee down the street. Will report back.
(1 hour later)
That wasn't too bad. I just went to the Whispers Cafe and enjoyed a chai tea latte with soy milk. Yummo. I truly was a giantess in these four inch stilletto, yellow, Laundry designed stunners. The first man I passed had his mouth agape and then closed it when I looked at him. I just had my hair cut and styled (for my new job on Monday!) and it looked fierce so maybe it wasn't just the shoes. The best part was that the heels brought my knees up enough so I could write to my friend while sitting on a bench. Hoorah!
Enough for now. Time to babysit!