Sponges and other Cleaning Tips

Cleaning Tip #1
If you microwave a sponge for 1 minute, then you will kill all the germs that make sponges smell bad. A/k/a Sterilization.

This I got from a website called www.mousecleaning.com. Since I started cleaning homes professionally I have greater interest in doing it efficiently. If you know anyone who wants to hire me, please let me know. xoxo
Tips For Eliminating House Cleaning StressThere is nothing like unexpected company to send you into a mad frenzy of house cleaning, and a resolution to do a better job of keeping your home in order. It is, of course, not easy to keep on top of housework when you have young (any) children, when you work outside the home and spend time on hobbies and sports, when the people you live with are unrepentant slobs, or when you are an unrepentant slob yourself. But never mind how it all happened, if company is coming and your house looks like the "after" picture in a disaster photo shoot, you need to make some quick decisions about what must be done before the guests arrive.
Make Yourself Look Good (your guests will never know)
1. Make a checklist of tasks that need to be done by deadline, and enlist everyone in the household to help. Assign tasks and offer rewards if there is a lack of enthusiasm for this house cleaning effort.
2. Turn off the TV and turn on some loud music with a good rock beat to put you all in the mood.
3. Start with the rooms that guests see first – kitchen, living room, and main bathroom – and move on from there.
4. Get rid of clutter:
* Remove dirty dishes from all rooms and wash or hide them in the dishwasher.
* Pick up clothes dropped on floors and draped over furniture and hang them up, put them in the clothes hamper, or, in an emergency-last-ditch effort, bundle them up and hide them on the floor of a closet.
* Pick up toys and sports and hobby items and put them where they belong or, if guests are already knocking on the door, see floor-of-the-closet suggestion above.
* Straighten furniture, cushions, pictures, and lampshades, and align books, magazines, and knickknacks.
* Throw out dead flowers and put half-dead plants out of sight.
* Clean toilet bowls, sinks, and bathtubs, and hide bathroom junk in cupboards and cabinets.
* Make the beds.
5. When everything is neat and tidy, get busy with vacuum cleaners and vacuum attachments. Vacuum the floors and carpets and dust everything in sight. If there isn’t time for that, grab that easy-to-use cordless vacuum cleaner and pick up the spills and the biggest bits of stuff dropped on the carpet and floors.
6. Until you run out of time, wash floors, spots on walls, and anything else that needs it and is visible.
How to Keep This Nightmare From Happening Again
1. Make a chart of daily chores, as well as those that need to be done weekly and monthly, and put every family member in charge of some items on each list. Even young children can be helpful. Check off chores when they are completed. Offer rewards – it works better than punishments for chores left undone. Don’t forget to reward yourself.
2. Invest in a good vacuum with suitable attachments, and have pails, mops, wash cloths, scrubbing brushes, and good (preferably child-and-health-safe) cleaning products stored in a handy place, and have a tool kit to carry what is needed from room to room.
3. If you prefer cooking or gardening or playing with your children to house cleaning, hire a maid service if you can afford the price, or treat yourself to the service now and then.
4. Make it your business to keep the family on top of ongoing daily tasks:
* Put dishes in the dishwasher and see that it is turned on before you go to bed. If dishes are washed by hand, see that they are done every evening.
* Have a place to stack newspapers and magazines and get rid of the excess every week.
* Regularly donate unused household items and clothing to charity.
* Use small baskets to hold the junk emptied out of pockets – including keys and change – and one for mail, as well.
Clean regularly rather than let chores pile up until the work becomes overwhelming. You, too, can enjoy unexpected guests when they arrive instead of the alternate: drooping from house cleaning exhaustion in a bleary-eyed, zombie-like state. Get with it!

HOW TO CLEAN A COMPUTER

Your computer can be cleaned by a hard surface cleaner, in concentrated solution in warm water. It will not be cleaned well by alcohol cleaners.
The casing: using a cloth well wrung out in your chosen solution, wipe over the casing any any externalparts of the computer, the cabling, the base of the keyboard. Rinse the cloth out and remove the soil - which will be considerable. Do not use any excess water and do not try to push water into the vents in the casings.
Do not use any excess water on the keyboard keys - you will be able to clean these by using little bits of damp cloth pushed around the keys by cocktail sticks or toothpicks
The following actions need to be taken every six months
Now you need to open the case. Take a vacuum cleaner and its crevice tool and being extremely careful how you do it, remove all the dust out of the case and the fans. Do not get the vacuum cleaner motor anywhere near your computer components, and earth yourself by touching any metal object which is known to be earthed - pipework, radiators, etc.
Ensure that the vents around the casing are vacuumed and also vacuum the keyboard - you would be surprised how much dust and rubbish collects in the keyboard. . By keeping dust out of the inside of the case and around the fans, you will prevent your computer from overheating and therefore damaging the components. Think of the costs involved. It is never a sensible move to just push the dust out by blowing it out. This dust sits in the air and gets recycled - back into your machine.

CLEANING YOUR MOUSE

You can clean inside the mouse by removing the ball, and removing the dust, fluff stray food, dog and human hairs, etc. from around the rollers This has to be scraped out - do not get the mouse wet.

CLEANING FURNITURE

Wooden furniture can be cleaned with
Detergent solution or
Soap solution or
Washing -up liquid solution or
Vinegar solution
Rinse off and leave to dry. Raw wood then should be dressed with a mixture of beeswax and oil or turpentine (which is an oil derived from pine trees). Wax will not clean if your furniture is heavily soiled, unless it is antique wood in which case your furniture should be kept waxed as a preventative measure, to avoid drying and subsequent warping. Teak or linseed oils are the usual wood dressing oils. If your wood furniture is laminated or varnished, as most modern furniture is, then it will not need dressing at all. Avoid the spray polish anywhere around your home - it does not clean, but merely attracts and seals in even more soiling. Life goes on well enough without it. So throw it out.
If your furniture is antique and valuable, then french polishing is an answer to a poor finish. This is a mixture of shellac in methylated spirit and it leaves a beautiful glossy finish, which is easily maintained by a polish with a dry cloth after a gentle quick wash if needed.

FABRICS

Fabrics are tricky -curtains can be washed but we hold no hope out at all for chairs which attract children, cats, dogs and large amounts of food and grease and worse. You may be able to steam the chair fabric but isn't prevention rather better than cure? Throw a cover over the chair - you can throw that in the washing machine. Spot treatment on most fabrics will show as spots when dry and the whole begins to look very unsightly -clean in some places and not in others. Always consider the end result when cleaning or attempting to clean.
For a more comprehensive guide to stain removal check out stain removal guide.

MATTRESS CLEANING

We have used a wand - type carpet cleaner and a carpet cleaning solution on a mattress quite successfully. It then should be dried properly and thoroughly. A mattress needs a very good vacuum cleaning and should be turned regularly Should you have any bedwetters around, turn the mattress over immediately after the accident onto a towel or two and leave until dry. Can you tell this is the voice of experience here? Protect the mattress with a rubber sheet for preference.

HOW TO AVOID THE DUSTING COMPLETELY

Is it necessary, and can it be avoided? But of course it can be avoided! What a waste of time. Dust is human hair and skin wrapped around grease from humans and particulates from the atmosphere. You dust, you put it back into the atmosphere and half an hour later, it is back again. With a new lot to keep it company. Real dust is what we find on a construction site -plaster, cement, particulate, concrete, wood -the list is endless. That has to be removed, but not in ways you would think. It takes the same length of time to wash a surface as it does to dust, and the effect lasts for a week. Think it over when you next pick up your feather duster, and go and have a cup of tea instead. Then throw out your feather duster or use it on the spiders hiding in the lampshades.

BOOKSHELVES

We have thousands of books in our house, and we read them. They get dusty; we get the vacuum cleaner out all along the edges and the tops of the books. You can't wash books. If your house is very damp, then your books are going to attract mold and mildew. To prevent loss of books, which is tantamount to a national calamity (in our house at least) use a dehumidifier.

RIDGE CLEANING

Keep the fridge clean and washed out with detergent, rinse well and deodorise after washing with bicarbonate of soda in the final rinsing water, if needed. Pay particular attention to the rubber seals on the doors.
When you are cleaning out the insides of the fridge, don't forget to clean that patch of floor the fridge is usually standing on, and also the external casings of the fridge. Not just the door.
Keep stored food in containers, and keep these containers clean - inside and out. Do not store cooked food in contact with raw food. This is where most cross-contamination occurs.
Keep the fridge at the manufacturers recommended storage temperature

MOPPING

Download our guide to a perfect mopping technique
Change your water very regularly
Rinse the floor after cleaning
Wash your mop in detergent solution, after use
Keep your mop as dry as you can.
All that black water over the floor, a smelly mop, all the puffing and panting that goes with throwing a heavy mop around, and those are the cleaning companies we have come across. Heaven only knows what the householders are like. And you complain that the floor looks dirty five minutes after?
Use a light cotton mop, so it is easy for you to handle, keep it clean and washed after use, and halve your mopping time by keeping the floor as dry as you can, by wringing it out properly. push your mop, don't drag it.
Just in case you are tempted by flat mops or mops made of any other material other than cotton, these can be expensive, are very heavy to use, and do not produce such a good effect. A cheap cotton mop is as good as anything else on the market.

TOILET AND BATHROOM CLEANING

HOW TO CLEAN CERAMIC TILES AND GROUT

Throw out the cistern blocks and the artificial perfumes, you will not need them.
Wash down the whole of the toilet, including behind the seat, with a proper hard surface detergent in solution and then rinse it off. Then wipe dry with a half damp cloth, now leave it to dry. Wash the bowl by pouring a splash of the neat detergent in the water, and scrubbing with the toilet brush. Now flush the toilet.

DESCALING A TOILET

You will need to descale a toilet about once a month -urine and hard water is a good combination to make scale - that's the staining around the lip of your bowl and this is the stuff that your bleach treatments and anything else you are using is not removing Acid is the only scale remover which is going to work in areas of hard water. Use phosphoric acid or citric acid for preference. Vinegar and anything else you might have read about will not work. So go and buy a proper descaler from a janitorial supplier and keep it to clean the grout and the taps and the shower head as well. Also use this to clean your shower cubicle.
Once your toilet is descaled, all it requires is a daily wash, including a wash around the bowl, as previously shown.

DISINFECTING AND SANITISING -IS IT NECESSARY

No. Toilets do not smell if they are cleaned properly with detergent as we have indicated. Bacterial growth occurs when surface cleaning has not been carried out properly. Surface cleaning will remove almost everything which could cause you problems. Bleaching, and the use of disinfectants will not replace a good clean and descaling because it is the scale and the uncleaned surface soiling which attracts bacteria. So you can try to think you are cleaning when you put a bit of bleach in the
bowl, but in fact you are not. Can't beat a good clean. Get those hands wet.

NOTE WELL: never mix an acid descaler with bleach. Keep them very far apart. We have however seen toilets awash with neat bleach, and others with almost neat coal tar disinfectant, but still dirty, and we mean dirty! Bleach removes scale colour but not the scale, and coal tar disinfectant can be poisonous in heavy quantities. The difference from a cleaned toilet to an uncleaned toilet is easy to see. So before you get sanitisers on the brain, clean the area properly first.
TILE GROUT you can clean grout with the same phosphoric acid descaler you used on your toilet. You may need to leave it on the grout for a time to work, like for example overnight, if you have heavy scale build - up and mold stains. Rinse well and leave to dry. Most grout is dirty, because you haven't rinsed your last lot of detergent out from the tile, and you have used dirty washing water.
Grout should be left to dry, but needs to be dried quickly. Flooring grout can be dried by a mop or with a pass with a wet/dry vacuum cleaner

MOLDS AND MILDEWS - FACTS AND TREATMENT

The difference between molds and mildews - Molds are the source of all your problems indoors and out, mildews are a similar organism but are not the cause of the black growths due to damp conditions. Mildew is a growth affecting plant growth, it is the white powdery dust found on your garden plants after a hot humid summer. Therefore do not get the two mixed up, this article only refers to the mold which grows under the following conditions, inside your building:
Warmth
Humidity over about 50%
A good source of food
Food can be damp wood, materials, painted surfaces, particleboard, any areas where there is damp foodstuffs left lying around, or dirt in areas generally with poor ventilation Molds seem to thrive best on cellulose materials (straw, hay, wood carpet, and they love most of all the paper covering on gypsum based plaster boards, which is why your bathroom looks even worse than it would if it were of just brick construction).
Wetting and water ingress on an untreated basis will grow a good colony of molds in a very short time so get those fixed and leave the area to be dried as soon as possible. Ventilate all areas throughout your home as a matter of course. Molds grow in unventilated areas. Where you have air conditioning and a sealed building, the HVAC system filters must be continually checked and changed. Are yours, when you complain about the air quality in your building? Keep your systems dry and cleaned out.
We have spent many hours cleaning duct covers and it is onlythrough poor maintenance that these are left in the condition that they are. If you have blocked filters, then molds will grow on the dust. Then they get sucked in through the system and straight into the air that you breathe. Open windows if you can.

MOLD REMEDIATION:

Clean more often, more thoroughly.
Change filters to HEPA - type
Keep the area as dry as possible.
Fix water leaks
Ventilate as much as possible
Heavy infestation is seen as brown or black patches on the affected area. You may not be able to smell mold infestation so do not assume that in a very wet area you will not have mold growth.
Once the area is dried out, the following can be used to remove mold:
Propionic acid as a constituent of a proprietary mold remover. This is the most effective mold remover and is perfectly safe for use.
Bleach and hypochlorite is not really effective at all, and is not safe to use in large concentrations, nor with any other chemical
Borax and borates can be effective -borax is already in regular use as a wood fungicide, but will not remove the staining from molds - phosphoric acid can do this in preference to bleach. Heavy stainingcan be covered by painting but only when the area is dried thoroughly.

MOLD PREVENTION

Mold causes 'farmers lung' but you should never get this disease from your house, nor will you need your house pulled down! Your mold infestation will never be that great unless you have a building which is severely damaged by damp. It can happen. Help yourself, though by using a dehumidifier if you do have to live in damp conditions, and always use one after water damage through flooding.
Cleaning surfaces properly is probably the most effective way of surface mold prevention.

AFTER CARPET CLEANING AND FLOODING

Your carpets will harbour mold if they are not dried properly after cleaning. So open all the windows and ventilate the room properly while drying. A good carpet cleaning system will dry the carpets up to 90% dry and the carpet should be completely dry within 1 - 2 hours. Vacuum cleaning with clean filters will finish the cleaning process when the carpet is dry. Then you could use a dehumidifier, if you think there is a high level of humidity remaining. It can happen, even in the driest areas. Flooding, followed by carpet restoration in which we wash the wet carpet, naturally means the whole area has to be dried quickly, and this is done by a dehumidifier. Never put a rubber - backed mat onto a drying carpet - mold will quickly develop underneath it, and then penetrate the whole carpet.

POOR INDOOR AIR QUALITY

If you have unexplained symptoms of breathing problems and general low levels of unwellness then first thoroughly clean your house, change the filters to your ducting and air conditioning unit and vacuum the carpets well with cleaned filters. Open the windows and let fresh air in to the house. Often this is all that is needed.
Many factors can contribute to poor air quality - toxic fumes from carpets, furniture, some solvents, artificial deodorisers, spray polish so do not assume that mold infestation is present unless you can see that you have long standing water staining in the same area, or you have had recent flooding.
Your house will feel damp and may have a background smell.

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR CELLAR OR BASEMENT

If you have a cellar, then check that - these are favourite places for mold infestation since they are frequently damp or flooded. The cellar will need treatment - do not expect to treat the rest of the house and leave the cellar! You will find fabrics paper and cardboard stored in cellars always to contain patches of molds, so consider leaving a cellar empty.

STAINLESS STEEL AND OTHER METAL CLEANING

CAST IRON PANS

Cast iron pans are the best cooking pans out there, but most people are put off by the rust which appears after washing. Cast iron, which never wears out, should be dried over heat after washing and then dressed while still hot, with oil you use for cooking with. If they go rusty after this, you have dressed them when cold. Keep the oiled pan as warm as you can for as long as you can. Result-no rust. you do not need to wash the pan before use, but you must always dress it after use.

HOW TO CLEAN STAINLESS STEEL

In response to the real need to keep this clean without doing any damage to it - here is how you clean stainless steel.
Stainless steel is not stainless and it can be easily damaged especially when new, by acids, bleach and metal scouring pads - we know of an entire, brand new commercial kitchen which was ruined by metal scouring pads and bleach.
You clean stainless steel by leaving it to soak to remove the grease and the burnt bits in a degreaser - 2% caustic soda for preference which does not damage the steel.. You wash this off. You wash it again in a hard surface cleaner solution and this is rinsed off enough times so that the steel is clean and grease - free. Now dry the steel using paper or a clean cloth. It dries to a dull, sometimes smeared finish.
Dress the dry steel with oil - baby oil can be used, but if you can get it use food grade mineral oil. It shines and looks good.
There is only one scouring pad to use on steel and that is specific to stainless steel. Everything else scratches it, and any use of metal scouring pads or steel wool will result in a scratched surface with rust stains developing on the damaged areas.
Stainless steel can be steam cleaned, but you will still need to use a detergent soak to loosen the grease before steam cleaning.
Restore stainless steel with a very dilute solution of phosphoric acid detergent, rinse well and dry.

ALUMINIUM

A soft metal, but it cleans easily, so you can and no doubt do, use scouring pads on it. What you cannot use on it is a caustic detergent. It reacts with it and you will find that your nice aluminium turns black and pitted. So soak your greasy pans in detergent solution, rinse well and dry quickly. Aluminium which is left to dry tends to leave water marks. Restore aluminium either with a specialist aluminium cleaner (the use of which is not recommended for general use) or use a very dilute solution of phosphoric acid detergent and a metal scouring pad.

COPPER, BRASS, BRONZE

Clean by salt and lemon juice as a paste. Rinse it off, dry, and then polish the metal by rubbing with newspaper.

SILVER AND PEWTER

Clean with lemon juice and salt.
For heavily tarnished metals, use proprietary wadding specific for the metal. The salt and lemon juice treatment maintains an already clean appearance. The alternative cleaner for copper, brass and bronze is the phosphoric acid detergent, but be aware that acids will sometimes damage an old plated surface, so if your cleaned surface shows pitting and looks irregular in appearance then the plate itself is worn. Copper, brass and bronze are not damaged by fine grade steel wool, but care should be taken if using this.

CHROMIUM AND NICKEL

Clean with a neutral detergent, rinse well and then buffed with a soft lint-free cloth until dry. These metals are usually, but not always, found as plated and any wear in the plating will show up quickly.
After washing, the base metal will start to rust if not dried quickly. Acid restoration is not always that effective on these metals.

WINDOW CLEANING

Get professional with this one and buy the proper equipment - the squeegee especially. You will not clean windows properly without much hard work, otherwise. You wash windows with washing-up liquid solution, and squeegee the window dry. Then you wash the frame and sill and dry with a wrung - out cloth. Work on the upstairs windows before you clean downstairs. Drips and all that.

STAINS ON GLASS

Are there, because of a broken gutter or other source of dripping water over the glass. Now you have a problem. Hard water stains will remove with a wash with your acid toilet cleaner or kettle descaler (phosphoric acid for preference) but you have to be very quick with this treatment, so as not to leave the acid on the glass. If the staining is old, then this will be embedded in the glass and you won’t be able to clean it. We've done our bit on glass, several centuries old, and believe me, acid etched glass, dating from 14 century cannot be repaired. All those winds, all that sulphur...........
Try to keep running water off glass, and also a continuous source of heat, such as extractor fans. Vinegar cleans glass quite well, but only if it is not too dirty. It will not clean grease and oil off glass. Neither will ammonia which is the world's worse cleaning solution.
To polish glass when dried, rub it with an old newspaper - the silicones in the printing ink will put a very slight protective layer over the glass. We, a professional cleaning business, use this to clean ornate, engraved and antique glass and the difficult glass of a building site. It looks lovely afterwards.

BLIND CLEANING

For those of washable fabric:
Take the blind down and put it into the bath tub which will have a solution of water and your good hard surface detergent, in it.
Now leave the blind to soak for a while - overnight would help. Rinse the blind with ashower head of water. This pressure will remove the dirt off the blind without you needing to scrub.
Drain off the blind and replace in the window. If you do not think your blinds will accept this treatment, then leave them and treat as wooden blinds.
NOTE WELL: give the windows a clean while your blinds are in soak Venetian type and other metal or plastic blinds can be treated the same way but must be well dried before re-hanging. Wooden blinds should not be soaked, but can be washed with your hard surface detergent in solution, and then rinsed, by wiping over the slats with a cloth.

JEWELLERY CLEANING

Most jewellery is fragile so be careful with it. If it won't clean with washing up liquid solution, then don't bother. Just wearing jewellery puts a shine on it. Pearls and opals are more delicate than anything else - pearls are best left alone and rejoice in the patina they acquire from your skin. Opals are a water - based stone, and should not be attempted to be cleaned - ever. Many other types of semi - precious stones will react with any cleaning solutions. Acids will almost certainly damage any stone so beware of using lemon juice or vinegar, and heavy alkalis likewise. So take advice from a jeweller if you are at all worried.

ULTRASONIC CLEANING

This is the way to clean those small delicate components, but do not use it for your jewellery. For blinds and chandeliers, ultrasonic cleaning is superb. Its action is by sound waves passing through a detergent solution (which is specially formulated for this process) and this causes bubbles throughout the solution.
This is the cleaning action - called cavitation - and it is vigorous. So very delicate articles and surfaces can be easily damaged and that is why your jewellery may be damaged.

Wonderful British Television

Absolutely Fabulous

Patsy: The last mosquito that bit me had to book into the Betty Ford clinic.

Eddie: [shouting] I DON'T WANT MORE CHOICE, I JUST WANT NICER THINGS .

Eddie: What do you see when you look in the mirror, darling?
Patsy: Me looking fabulous. What do you see?
Eddie: Yeah... Just the room.

Eddie: Is champas all right with you Pats?
Patsy: Lovely darling.


Eddie: Patsy hasn't eaten since 1974.
Patsy: A crisp, darling. A crisp.

Eddie: I did tell you the facts of life didn't I sweetie?
Saffie: If you mean that time you sat on my bed and shook me awake at two in the morning, stoned out of your brain, and slurred into my ear 'By the way sweetie, people have it off,' then yes, you told me the facts of life.

Batteries

So I dealt with a lot of dead batteries today. Please people, take your old batteries to any Walgreens or Chicago Public Library where they will be recycled properly. Leaving them in drawers with dozens of pens, tools and matchbooks is a bad idea.
This has been a Public Service Announcement sponsored by the Coalition for a more Organized America.

New Boyfriend

I've been thinking a lot about what I want my next boyfriend to be like. First and foremost, I want him to be a coffee drinker so that getting coffee in the mornings is just as much a priority to him as it is to me! Then, hopefully he doesn't drink girlie coffee, like mochas, or order the same thing all the time. I like a man who can mix it up.
Next, I hope he is in good enough shape so he doesn't get out of breath during physical exertion.
I want him to have a heart of gold. To love me, to love his family and my family. Ideally he would belong to a church or other faith group, as long as it's not "religion lite".
He has a beautiful singing voice but is too modest to brag about it.
He is smart but doesn't go on polemics that bore me.
He WANTS to be in a relationship.
He was never a man-whore and he is STD-free.
He wants to give me the wedding of my dreams and to have a family. He wants to adopt a special-needs child.
He is kind to children and animals.
He is empathetic and a great listener. He has compassion for human foibles, but keeps it real.
His home is clean and he is fairly well organized.
He doesn't have a pornography collection or subscribe to magazines that he wouldn't show to his grandmother.
He is passionate about a lot of things.
He doesn't use illegal drugs of any kind. He doesn't abuse alcohol.
He rejoices in the love I have for him.
He volunteers his time to worthy causes.
He makes me laugh, and laughs at my jokes.
He doesn't judge me or make me justify myself.
He loves to travel and take vacations.
He frequently surprises me with delightful presents.
He is not a right-winger.
He is a sports fan.
He has lots of friends.
He likes to cook, and likes to order take-out.
He gives excellent massages.
He always tells me I am beautiful, especially when I dress up for a date.
He is naturally affectionate.
He is not a whiner.
He is not self-centered, self-indulgent, or irresponsible.
He calls.
He shows up.
He is gracious and engaged at family parties.
He kindly corrects me when I am off track.
He gets it.

Is this a dream? Henry Cavill (Charles Brandon on the Tudors) would do in a pinch. haha

Break Ups are Not Democratic Decisions

Breaking up is hard to do. It's happened plenty of times but rarely on amicable terms. So what does one do with the former partner post-break up? So far I think the options are:
a) Not talk again
b) Talk again when you have a new boyfriend
c) Pretend you are friends immediately
d) Stay friends but secretly hope they will change their mind.
e) Stay friends but look uber glorious whenever they are around, sending them into tizzies of desire.
f) Hate them with unrelenting passion
g) Wear down their resistance until they agree to date you, so you will finally shut up!
h) None of the above
i) Other _________

Favorite Songs: Forest Whitaker by Brother Ali

This song is hilarious and actually quite honest. And Brother Ali really is albino!

Forest Whitiker Lyrics
And yo whatever comes up comes out
We don't put our hands over our mouth
And whatever comes up comes out
We don't put our hands over our mouth
Whatever comes up comes out
Please mister bass-man lay it on me

Ayo, Dependin' on the day, and dependin' on what I ate
I'm anywhere from 20 to 35 pounds overweight
I got red eyes and one of them's lazy
and they both squint when the sun shines so I look crazy
I'm albino man, I know I'm pink and pale
And I'm hairy as hell, everywhere but fingernails
I shave a cranium that ain't quite shaped right
Face type, shiny, I stay up and write late nights
My wardrobe is jeans and faded shirts
A mixture of what I like, and what I wear to work
I'm not mean and got a neck full of razor bumps
I'm not the classic profile of what the ladies want
You might think I'm depressed as can be
But when I look in the mirror I see sexy ass me
And if that's somethin' that you can't respect then that's peace
My life's better without you actually
To everyone out there, who's a little different
I say damn a magazine, these are God's fingerprints
You can call me ugly but can't take nothing from me
I am what I am doctor you ain't gotta love me

[Spoken]
If you would please turn in your bible
To beauty tips according to Forest Whitiker
In the third chapter of the third line
Brother Ali would you please read to the choir for me son
[Sung 3X]
I'ma be all right, you ain't gotta be my friend tonight (you ain't gotta love me)
An I'ma be okay, you would probably bore me anyway (you ain't gotta love me)

Forest Whitiker y'all

Current Favorite Songs: Paper Planes

This song is so pimp, "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. on the album Kala. Meg introduced me to it. I played it about eight times while I was house-cleaning today. Yea, I'm a hustler too.

I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make them all day
I get one down in a second if you wait

Sometimes I feel sitting on trains
Every stop I get to I'm clocking that game
Everyone's a winner now we're making that fame
Bona fide hustler, making my name

All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money

Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bombs
Running when we hit them
Lethal poison through their system

No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my banner, prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going to hell just pumping that gas

All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money

M.I.A.
Third world democracy
Yeah, I got more records than the K.G.B.
So, uh, no funny business

Some, some, some, I some I murder
Some, I some I let go
Some, some, some, I some I murder
Some, I some I let go

All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money

Marriage readings that aren't puke inducing

EPHESIANS
Submit yourselves one to another as the fear of God. Wives, show reverence for your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church and He is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own Husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wife, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it; that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word; that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkles or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own body; He that loves his wife loves himself.
For no man ever yet hateth his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is a profound one and I am saying this as it refers to Christ and the Church; however, let husband love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respect her husband.


ECCLESIASTES 4:9-12
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up. Again, if two lie together, they are warm; but how can one be warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him.


LETTERS~ By Rainer Maria Rilke
~Marriage is in many ways a simplification of life, and it naturally combines the strengths and wills of two young people so that, together, they seem to reach farther into the future than they did before. Above all, marriage is a new task and a new seriousness, - a new demand on the strength and generosity of each partner, and a great new danger for both.
The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of their solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side by side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.
That is why this too must be the criterion for rejection or choice: whether you are willing to stand guard over someone else's solitude, and whether you are able to set this same person at the gate of your own depths, which he learns of only through what steps forth, in holiday clothing, out of the great darkness.
Life is self-transformation, and human relationships, which are an extract of life, are the most changeable of all, they rise and fall from minute to minute, and lovers are those for whom no moment is like any another. People between whom nothing habitual ever takes place, nothing that has already existed, but just what is new, unexpected, unprecedented. There are such connections, which must be a very great, an almost unbearable happiness, but they can occur only between very rich beings, between those who have become, each for his own sake, rich, calm, and concentrated; only if two worlds are wide and deep and individual can they be combined....
...For the more we are, the richer everything we experience is. And those who want to have a deep love in their lives must collect and save for it, and gather honey.


EXCERPT FROM THE VELVETEEN RABBIT~ By Margery Williams ~"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but Really loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get all loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Love, All Things Considered

I am helping my friend find readings for her wedding ceremony and I've been going through "The Knot guide to Wedding vows and traditions" trying to find the least trite readings. My personal guidelines are that the line must not make me cringe from sentimentality and it should be something I would incorporate into my own wedding. Not, of course, that I will ever be married at the rate I'm going. All my sisters met their husbands by the time they were 24. Hunh.
Moving on.
My friend isn't religious so that knocks off a lot of readings I might select. I believe that God is love and the ability for human beings to love each other is the manifestation of the Holy Spirit.
First I think the readings should celebrate love and marriage and recognize the distinction between the two. I think people can get so caught up in the hoopla of weddings that the people that the reality of marriage - hard work, constant attention - gets lost. It's like a garden, wherein if you don't tend to it, weeds take over and the lovely herbs and tomatoes choke and die. The lilac and magnolia trees begin to rot and then have to be chopped down and you are left with a broken heart at the sad sight of your garden which was once so beautiful. 

Which is why we have our community of friends and family to help us when we get lazy or overwhelmed. The participation of the congregation is so important in a wedding service. I have been to a wedding where the bridal couple had everyone sign their marriage contract. I like that tradition. I could also do the calligraphy for those!
Alright.
The exchange of vows that I like best are the Episcopal ones:
"In the name of God, I , ____, take you, _____, to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.
I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit." So if you aren't religious, cut off the first and last clauses.
I also like the Quaker vow, "In the presence of God and these our friends I take thee, ___ to be my husband/wife, promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful wife/husband so long as we both shall live."
My favorite Bible reading for a marriage has to be from the Song of Solomon 8:6-7
"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, a raging flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it. If one were offered for love all the wealth of one's house, it would be utterly scorned."I suggested that passage to my sister and she used it for her wedding service. Hot.
It has been suggested that God gives special blessing to marriages because in the Gospel of John, Jesus performs his first miracle at the wedding in Cana of Galilee.

For their 25th wedding anniversary my parents had a Celebration of Marriage service at our church. In her sermon the priest said something profound:
"Joan and Michael show us a lesson today: that life is not a game to be won but a gift to be celebrated. That marriage is not just a legal way to maintain property and provide for children, but a gift of abundance. And that no matter who we are, when we find that person, or when we answer that calling, we know that we are again in that garden from which we can never be expelled."
She is, of course, referring to the Garden of Eden from which God expelled Adam and Eve.
I found something about marriage vows that either my Dad wrote for his niece's wedding (or he retyped from somewhere):
"The marriage vows are the Rules of the Road for a marriage. To take a vow is an honorable thing to do. It is a giving of one's word. The sanctity of one's word and its importance to civilization is of ancient origin. To many, marriage is a psychological state of feeling good. But the vows require one to honor their word, not their feelings. To others it seems only a contract that can be broken when the other party does not perform or their performance is not up to par. Nevertheless, marriage is not a contract as lawyers think. The vows-taker assumes responsibility for his or her independent of the performance of the other. One has given their word; one has assumed a vow on their own honor. This is why marriage is an honorable state."
My father was a religious man and added a reflection to the above: "In the beginning was the Word." The Word was the creative power that laid the foundation of the world and any security in it. A portion of that same power to create anew is given to us when we solemnly consider and give our own word in marriage. we offer the one receiving our word respect, reliance, and repose. We offer them the dream that their struggles, their passions, and their energies, although not ours directly, will not, with us, have been undertaken in vain. Our word is a light to this world."
So wise, that.
Excerpts:
The three readings from the Knot Guide which I liked are from "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"
"And another thing. Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then it subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of every day, it is not lying awake at night…Love itself is what is left over when being "in love" has burned away, and this is bot an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
(page 281, Vintage Books, New York, NY, 1994)

AND

Sonnet 17
by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way
because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I nor you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep
it is your eyes that close.

AND
Rainer Maria Rilke "Letters to a Young Poet"
It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning-time is always a long, secluded time ahead and far on into life, is - ; solitude, a heightened and deepened kind of aloneness for the person who loves. Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person (for what would a union be of two people who are unclarified, unfinished, and still incoherent - ?), it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world in himself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on him, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances. Only in this sense, as the task of working on themselves ("to hearken and to hammer day and night"), may young people use the love that is given to them. Merging and surrendering and every kind of communion is not for them (who must still, for a long, long time, save and gather themselves); it is the ultimate, is perhaps that for which human lives are as yet barely large enough."

AND

TO MY DEAR AND LOVING HUSBAND

by: Anne Bradstreet (c.1612-1672)

F ever two were one, then surely we.

If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee.

If ever wife was happy in a man,

Compare with me, ye women, if you can.

I prize thy love more than whole Mines of gold

Or all the riches that the East doth hold.

My love is such that Rivers cannot quench,

Nor ought but love from thee give recompetence.

Thy love is such I can no way repay.

The heavens reward thee manifold, I pray.

Then while we live, in love let's so persever

That when we live no more, we may live ever.

I looked through one of my favorite books, the Great Gatsby, for quotes on love but since the grand love of that story is doomed it isn't quite right for wedding services.
Then I looked through another favorite book, All the King's Men, and found some awe-some passages. I love this one:
"So maybe she was up in the room trying to discover what her new self was, for when you get in love you are made all over again. The person who loves you has picked you out of the great mass of uncreated clay which is humanity to make something out of, and the poor lumpish clay which is you wants to find out what it has been made into. But at the same time, you, in the act of loving somebody, become real, cease to be a part of the continuum of the uncreated clay and get the breath of life in you and rise up. So you create yourself by creating another person, who however, has also created you, picked up the you-chunk of clay out of the mass. So there are two you's, the you yourself create by loving and the one the beloved creates by loving you. The farther those two you's are apart the more the world grinds and grudges on its axis. But if you loved and were loved perfectly then there wouldn't be any difference between the two you's or any distance between them. They would coincide perfectly, there would be a perfect focus, as when a stereoscope gets the twin images on the card into perfect adjustment." (p. 298)
On re-reading it, I'm not sure I love it so much, but the sentiment is right - that when you fall in love or when someone loves you - you are made all over again.
Later in the novel, Anne Stanton tells her fiance Jack, "Oh, it's just that getting married isn't like jumping off a cliff. Love isn't either, isn't like jumping off a cliff. Or getting drowned. It's -it's-oh, I don't know how to say it - it's trying to live, it's having a way to live." (p.320)
Maybe we will just hand out copies of the book as party favors at my wedding.

Then, I read through some quotes on marriage and love to be incorporated into toasts at weddings. These are the ones I like:

• "Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." - Erica Jong.
• "Success in marriage depends on being able, when you get over being in love, to really love...You never know anyone until you marry them." - Eleanor Roosevelt.
• "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin
• "Doubt thou that the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move; doubt truth to be a liar; but never doubt I love." - Shakespeare, Hamlet Act II
• "I'm gonna love you till you don't hurt no more." - Kanye West

There are a couple other books I want to go through to find passages on love and the poems of Margaret Atwood as well. That will have to wait until tomorrow tho, because it is past 1 a.m. and I must rest!

Dreams

I have two long-cherished wishes that I have been thinking about the past few days. The first is to be a back-up dancer for a Beyonce. The second is to have a trough with soil where I can plant some wildflower seeds that I received at my friend's wedding. I have only inchoate ideas about how to go about doing those. So if you have any ideas I would love to hear them. I imagine dance classes, auditions, and ab strength would be required for the first and a trip to the garden store for the second.

Stress Reduction and Wellness: Day 1 night time

Hello Friends,
This is today's progress report. I think I was mildly successful.
Tip #1: "Relax your standards. Count the things that are going right in your life!" Here goes:

1. Haven't had a car accident in ten weeks.
   
2. Have lots of mini-businesses going (hustling, hustling)
3. Went for a run today - hot.
   
4. Had two second-round interviews for jobs, one of which I want.
5. Am in perfect health. Haven't been plagued by migraines, colds, infections, or rapid hair loss.
6. No one I know is dying. Everyone is in pretty good health.
   
7. Mad Men starts again July 27. Yay!!!
8. I have a roof over my head, plenty of clothing, and food enough to make me Ruben-esque.
9. Barack Obama will soon be president and maybe then the economy will get out of the latrine.
10. I get to sign up for a weekly yoga class. (Just need to get over to the studio.)
11. My computer and cell phone are working fine.
12. Have some dates with friends lined up.
    

My therapist says that whatever you focus on expands, so if I don't want to be in a crippling depression I should not think about the following:

1. Two of my closest friends are moving to New York and D.C. respectively, this fall.
   
2. I have no job and health insurance costs $469.31/month
3. My pseudo-boyfriend wants to break up because he has commitment issues. fun.
   
4. Broke broke broke
5. I live at home with my mother and sister, in an apartment that seems too small for all of us.
6. I have a B.A. from an elite college and I'm cleaning houses to pay COBRA. (also a good thing)
   
7. My favorite inventions of the 20th century are air conditioning, contact lenses, and prozac.
   

Tip #2: "Simplify" I did not get a chance to simplify my living space. Did however, simplify my problems by taking a nap.
Tip #3 "Don't put up with something that doesn't work right - fix or replace things that are constant aggravations." Today I did throw out the raggedy gray sweatpants and tossed the dilapidated sewing box down the trash chute. Now, I have a swarm of thread, pins, and needles taking over my bookshelf. This is a vexing situation which requires ingenuity with existing boxes or a trip to Marshalls.
I did not replace the sulfur bit on my matchbox. Can I still do that? Eh, no idea where the matches are and won't search for them tonight. Threw out one bottle of nail polish.
Tip #4 "Get enough sleep. Use an alarm clock to remind you to go to bed." I was partially succesful last night because I did turn off my computer and go to bed at 12 a.m., however I stayed up late reading letters my father received from his aunt (which were dusty and fascinating). So tonight I will try again. Fingers crossed!
Tip #5 "Do especially unpleasant tasks early in the day and get it over with." I tried to do this but my proctoring job was scheduled for 7 p.m. so couldn't do much with that. However, I did take a package to the post office which requires walking a couple miles in the heat while scrambling around slow moving pedestrians.

Okay, I'm sleepy guys. I gotta go to bed. More tomorrow.

Stress Reduction and Wellness: Day 1

I decided that simplification involves fixing those things which need repair and tossing those things that are hopelessly broken. Today this includes:
1. My gray sweatpants with fabric worn apart in the inner thighs (suggesting need for inner thigh toning) and give me a camel toe when I yank them high enough so I don't step on the raggedy hem. Yes, it's time for them to go.
2. Nailpolish that is clumpy
3. Replace the sulfur strip on the side of my matchbox.
4. Set my alarm clock for 9 a.m. instead of 10 a.m.
5. Put up my dresses for sale on ebay (effort to purge closet)
6. give away Bebe corset top (very tasteful) that will never contain my breasts or muffin top no matter how I might wish.
7. The sewing box which my Aunt Judy gave me for my 9th birthday and has had a broken hinge since September 7, 1994.

None More Black

When you think things can be none more black then it is time to turn to the oracle for guidance. I am, of course, referring to the mightiest goddess of all, Oprah. Today I received divine inspiration from an article in the Reader about a woman trying to "live Oprah" for a year, i.e. to follow all of Oprah's advice and basically let Oprah think for her. While I won't go that far (can't afford it, and Oprah recommends a lot of awful movies) I will be following all the magazine suggestions for "cultivating wellness" and see if it doesn't make a difference.
My current goal is to do five things a day to boost happiness from the "Stress Reducation Techniques" worksheet that I got in college. There are about 50 suggestions. Let's see what works for tomorrow.....
1. "Relax your standards. Consider the true consequences of your actions. For every one thing that goes wrong, there are probably ten, fifty or 100 things going right in your life. Count them!"
Will do tomorrow.
2. "Simplify, simplify, simplify" I hope that translates into going through all my papers, drawers, and closet to purge excess debris. Will expand this to include my mother's closet.
3. "Don't put up with something that doesn't work right. If your alarm clock, wallet, shoe laces, windshield wipers, etc. are a constant aggravation get them fixed or get new ones."
Good call. This means that I will have to get rid of many pairs of shoes that are basically unwearable, VHS tapes that we can't play, mp3s that I don't like, buy a sunglasses case, and a new purse. hmmmm
4. "Get enough sleep. Use an alarm clock to remind you to go to bed."
I always thought this was a good one but for some reason never implemented it. Tonight! There done.
5. "If an especially unpleasant task faces you, do it early in the day and get it over with. Then, the rest of the day will be free of anxiety." Hmm...that is already going to happen. First thing in the morning is therapy which will inevitably include details of my disastrous dating days. Yucko. But I can, for example, make my to-do list for the week. I need to start that tonight actually.
Okay dears, I must go. 15 minutes until the alarm goes off for bedtime. Sweet dreams, cheerio.

ps - I hate the term "wellness". So nouveau.

Funny Story

Dear Gentle Reader,
I know it has been a while since I have written anything but I have been caught up with job interviewing (much more fun than job applying), babysitting endlessly, cleaning houses for cash (new!), cleaning houses for free (old) , and putting family history research together for my nieces in time for their 10th birthday. So in the absence of free-flowing creative ideas from yours truly, please enjoy this story courtesy of Erik:

Greetings!

After turning off a very enjoyable viewing of Nancy Drew – The Movie this evening, Maria and I encountered an Arby’s commercial on “regular” TV. The ad featured the ever popular “beef and cheddar” and as the narrator was describing the many benefits of this sandwich, Maria chimed in by asking what roast beef is made from. In an effort not to confuse, I answered simply, “beef that is roasted”. Maria then asked, “how is that different from ham?”

I hope everyone has a nice weekend.

Erik

hahahaha my sister is hysterical. In college some of her friends convinced her that bacon was an animal and she believed them for three minutes. hahaha oh my.

Our deepest Fear is that We are Powerful Beyond Measure

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. "

-Marianne Williamson

I heard this quoted in "Coach Carter" (2005), my new favorite movie, and it fit spectacularly in the narrative of that film - one of those touching, inspirational moments that are the monopoly of great sports movies.
Some kids at college wrote part of this quote on the Pomona College Walker Wall, but I thought it trite then. Maybe because I didn't prefer the girls' particular brand of do-goodery and hypocrisy.
But, it makes me wonder nonetheless. I always thought my deepest fear is permanent exile/loneliness or being unlovable, but perhaps it is fear of my own success. Interesting food for thought...

Great Movie Quotes: This Is Spinal Tap

Marty DiBergi: David St. Hubbins... I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name.
David St. Hubbins: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's not a very well known saint.
Marty DiBergi: Oh, there actually is, uh... there was a Saint Hubbins?
David St. Hubbins: That's right, yes.
Marty DiBergi: What was he the saint of?
David St. Hubbins: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
------------
[Nigel, introducing the Stonehenge theme concert]
Nigel Tufnel: In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing...
------------
David St. Hubbins: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
------------
Nigel Tufnel: You can't really dust for vomit.

---

David St. Hubbins: It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.

---

David St. Hubbins: Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation.

---

Nigel Tufnel: It's like, how much more black could this be? and the answer is none. None more black.
------------
Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.
Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel Tufnel: [pause] These go to eleven.
--------------
[Derek Smalls sets off a metal detector at the airport]
Airport Security Officer: Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?
Derek Smalls: Er, not really.
--------------
Marty DiBergi: (reading a review) "This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."
Nigel Tufnel: That's just nitpicking, isn't it?
--------------
[When asked what happened to their first drummer]
David St. Hubbins: He died in a bizarre gardening accident...
Nigel Tufnel: Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.
----------------------------
Marty DiBergi: You know, Frank Sinatra, it's a different world that they're in.
Tommy Pischedda: You know, it's just that people like this... you know... they get all they want so they really don't understand, you know... about a life like Frank's. I mean, when you've loved and lost the way Frank has, then you, uh, you know what life's about.